20) .... but I love him (Part 2)

I have been having a moment.

Like everyone, I often have thoughts of the negative kind but have mastered the ability to turn them off. Sometimes, my control slips a little and my thoughts and worries start to unravel before me. They continue to take control and eventually it becomes a downward spiral. I feel like a tonne of bricks is sitting on my chest and I don't feel like getting out of bed. I just want a break, a moment from it all, just some time out from my life. Everything and everyone irritates me. I feel unappreciated, over worked and unloved. I think the people around me are draining the life right from me... and think the relationships I have a falling apart and that the person I love, no longer loves me or wants me.

I wonder if its because I am such a control freak that when I lose control of my thoughts, it manages to make me feel like I have been hit by a Mack Truck carrying an oversized load of concrete barriers. Everything becomes a struggle and everything is overwhelming. For about a week, everything is EXTREME.

When I was at my worst, this was how I felt ALL THE TIME. Nowadays, it is only a momentary thing and lasts for a week at the most (thank god!) before I can't start changing the way I think and getting some control and positive energy flowing again. The hardest part is, it is often unexpected. I haven't yet figured out what triggers my 'moment'. It will be something that is outside, something random that happens that sifts the mood of the people around me, or my relationship. It always catches me off guard.

This week, my head decided he didn't love me anymore. It decided I could no longer give him what he wanted and I had ran out of things to give. He deserved better, more, because I have a child and I made him move away from his whole life. I thought he was talking to another girl, that he had lost interest in me, no longer found me attractive. Now that I am rational, I don't believe any of this is true. Yet, 5 days ago, I was making myself sick with it all.

During these times, I tend to sabotage good things. Not many things in my life have remained constant and so subconciously I believe that I have had much more success than I deserve and that things will eventually all go to shit (so to speak). So, naturally, I start to destroy the postive things around me. I think that I do this because of all the things in my life that have been out of my control. By sabotaging them myself, it is in my control. If I just let things happen and let it all be taken away from me... I would be unprepared and not able to cope. If I control it, I will get through it.

I'm fed up with myself. I can't let this cycle control me anymore. I don't want to lose the things I have, or the people I love at my hand, or anyone elses. I'm happy and I'm going to enjoy being happy. People go through rough times all the time and every reltionship has their moments.

So, I am finding myself some new quotes and sayings and new theories and mottos to live by, and giving it my all. I love him. He loves me. I am succesful and deserve a good life. I am a good person. I am still....ME! I'm only human and no stronger or better than the next person. I love my life and I'm going to grab it and hang onto it with everything I've got...

BRING IT ON!! :)

19) The plan..

I always need a plan- so the new plan is... To have no plan.

18) ...but I love him?

You. Are. Breaking. My. Fucking. Heart.

17) A Brief Rundown

It has been such a long time since I made a post. I wonder if its because I am too busy, or that I have recently been far too lazy. On the plus side, after a month of not blogging I am still touch typing!! This post has a few thoughts I've had recently and may seem to not have a start and finish, but I will elaborate at a later stage.

It's been a really weird time for me since my last post....since then, I have felt unsettled but also content, disappointed but hopeful. I have had relationship milestones, lost a loved one, surgery for my baby boy, his 3rd birthday and also a wedding... After 1 year, I have made a friend in my new town!! In one month, I have looked for new jobs, looked for new houses, looked into my future... but revisited my past too. I've also been dead broke but finally seen first hand how money buys money...

I guess no matter how hard you try to forget, there is always someone who remembers and still suffers from the demons of their past. Apparently, time heals all wounds... but do they really? People continue to suffer with the hurt they experienced at times of their lives. I've learnt to just turn it off. Change my negative thoughts as quickly as I have them. I do believe peoples actions are knee jerk reactions to how them have coped with things in the past. I really want to explore this some more...

On the 18th of September 2010, my Great Grandma passed away at 91 years old. I hit our family, hard. Although she was an elderly woman, she never seemed frail. Always independent with her sneaky quirks, we had never actually considered the possibility that she might one day pass away. Now, I can barely believe that it has happened, or how it all happened, or the timing of how it happened either. The whole event was just one big shock. A month and a bit on, I still feel her all around me, so I don't miss her that much. Of course I MISS her, but I don't feel like she is really gone and I like it that way... I will post a poem that I read at her funeral later... Love you Grandma... 12.12.1918-18.9.2010

I was reading a book they other day about prayers and beliefs and being consumed during meditation by a 'higher power'. Now, I have nothing against religion or other peoples beliefs, but I have never felt that there is anything more out there but my own thoughts and feelings. It's never made me feel like its something I need to explore. I am pretty content with what is out there....

A huge thing that I am struggling with is the fact that I have built someone I love up, promising them the world and then letting them down. I promised someone its possible that they will be able to own a house and turns out, it can’t happen for some time. I feel like I've just set him up to fail. It made me wonder, is promising a man that anything is possible if you are together…. is that the same as promising a girl that one day (if she plays her cards right) her man will marry her? Hmmmm. Watch this space.

I guess one this I realise is, I'm just so lucky to have someone that I love, that loves me in return.... at least for now...

16) My Poem

I haven't written a poem since school and decided to give it a go...

For all Time

Pass time, Pass time,

let it be,

time for him to walk through the door,

and kiss me.

Ring ring, ring ring,

drop everything and hurry,

he might need me,

to drop something to him right now

Play time, Play time,

Let me watch,

my baby tell him a story

and him listen.

Deep breaths, deep breaths,

He is a boy,

he has to leave everything he touches,

in a mess.

His time, his time,

I will carry,

his heart in my heart,

by caddying with his golf clubs.

Count days, Count days,

until we get

a day together with no time,

and just each other.

Stop time, Stop time,

let me enjoy

my heart beating quickly,

and stay in this place,

in love,

forever.

15) You are the weakest link- Goodbye!

When is it time to cut your losses and just move on?  When do you stop fighting and working hard to keep people in your life, when they really don't bring anything positive to it? How long are you really indebted to someone that helped you and where is the line for when you no longer have to put up with the shit the relationship brings?

Without complicating this post with more years of complications than the average reader could possibly ever follow, I'll give you a brief outline about the people I am venting about...

I have called them my family for longer than I can remember. They were long term family friends for 10 years before they became my family. We practically ate out of the same bowl during the hardest years of my life. They pushed me to take steps out of my confort zone and move on to start creating positives in my life. They helped me find a new beginning.

Yes, they were very important to me indeed. Even though we weren't blood, I defended them and cared for them more than people in my life that WERE my blood. I appreciated and valued all of them- and for what?

Without getting into the politics of it all (people who know me know the story anyway) these people are not the nicest people. You are either in the group, or on the outer. All decisions are made as part of a 'Kangaroo Court'. Being in the group is very exclusive and the power is addictive. But- part of this group, you are required to be fighting or hating someone at all times.

You can never be without a drama. The group thrives on the drama in other people lives. They love to 'fish' for a fight. Give you enough line, give it a little tug.... wait for you to take the bait and bam! They get you. You are the flavoured of the week, the lucky person they are going to attempt to torment as much as possible until the next sucker comes along.

There has been a few times recently that I have considered cutting all ties. A part of me didn't want to cut them out of my life because I have cared for them all so long. I constantly tried to maintain the relationships, texting and calling from time to time... dropping over for a visit when permitted. I did everything I could to keep the friendship but tried to stay out of the drama and politics. Apparently, there is no such thing.

I am officially "disposed" of.

Now, I don't mean to big note myself but I believe I am a pretty good friend. I try really hard to keep in contact with people, be there when I'm needed, drop everything to be there for them in a crisis. I like to make people feel special on their birthdays, give them a text to tell them how much I appreciate them when I am having a euphoric moment. Whether we haven't spoken in days, weeks, months or years; a friendship is a frienship. Nothing that can't be mended. No amount of time is ever too long, I'm just a phone call away. I love the people in my life, and would do anything for them.

I was left a little bit angry today. I got a message (not even a phone call, no effort as far as discussing any matters) I was informed that it would be best if we 'go out different ways'. At first, I was hurt. Then, I was hurt AND angry. Now, not much gets me really angry these days but being treated like I am nothing really gets me going. A gutless text message stating all the reasons why I was being disposed of by someone I have had in my life for around 15 years, who was there when my child was born, someone who REALLY mattered to me... has disposed of me like she has with all the others, like I meant nothing. I was no loss to her.

I had thought long and hard about taking a step away from all the shit that came with being friends with the people in the group. Even though it would make my life EASIER, I decided that I didn't want to lose them. Although I didn't agree with how they lived their lives and treated the people in it, I wanted to keep them in my life for everything in my past they helped me conquer.

Obviously, they didn't rate me as highly and the tribe spoke and I was disposed of.

I don't want anything bad to happen to anyone, especially people who have been so important to me for so many tears but the first thing that comes to mind (that hurt and angry first reaction) is F*^K YOU!! But I am bigger than that. The second things is Karma is a bitch..... People in glass houses really shouldn't throw stones.....

Now there is plenty of horrible things I would love to say. I want to ask them why they think they can treat me so shit. I want them to know how hurt and angry I am...I want to tell them that they are nothing but miserable, spiteful people. I want them to say sorry and tell me how important I am in their lives. That I am more than just a 'flavour of the month'... I refuse to do it though, because no doubt they are all sitting around holding court right now, just waiting to have a laugh over my reaction. I will not justify that message with a response. I will not be there comedy for an evening of drinking. I will not give up my morals- for them.

The biggest realisation I have had is that they are untouchable. You cannot break them. They are better than everyone and you can not scratch the surface. Even if I said all the spiteful things I possibly could, they wouldn't bat an eyelid because they just don't care about anything or anyone. They are loyal only to each other... the surface cannot be penetrated. They will never put their arms down for anyone. It's them against the world and screw anyone they stumble across on their war path.

I refuse to lose sleep over it. I am disappointed for all the hard work over the years that has been wasted and to lose the people who I chose over others in important times in my life. I'm sorry for all that I did or didn;t do. I'm sorry for the people I hurt when I was part of the 'Kangaroo Court'. Most of all, I'm sorry for hurting the positive people in my life and chosing these negative people in important situations. Everything happens for a reason and maybe this is it....

Maybe, I needed this to be a wake up call... A reminder to never be a follower, be a leader... I know I am not alone, but sometimes its good to be independent. Strength isn't just in numbers, numbers are for the weak. In numbers, it's all about intimidation... But, It's not always a 'if you can't beat 'em, join em' philosophy... because when the numbers turn and you're all alone will you conform or rise above it all and stand out from the crowd?

I know who I am. I am a good person. And although I will miss them, if I am not as important to them as they are to me- then I am better off without them. I'd rather share myself with people who are positive and love me for me...

And I am the luckiest person in the world to be surrounded by people who continuously do just that...

14) The Impossible...

I had honestly stopped dreaming of this event, thinking it would never be possible. There was too much hurt and anger. Hatred. Spite. They were consumed, driven by hoping nothing positive happened to the other person. Even wished of the other person being destroyed, for good. After so many years, the hatred and anger was like a bad storm with no end in sight. There was no possibility of reconciliation, there was too much irrepairable hurt.

Last week the most amazing thing happened... I can still barely believe it. My own pain was lifted. The book of hurt was closed.

It all started with a simple message. An extended hand, a moment that made the world shift in direction. Made a world of possibilities open... It's like any moment when someone steps out of whatever has been holding them back and says- Let's talk. Who would have thought it could open up so many possibilites and give somany people to peace to move on with their lives?

For over 8 years, my parents hated each other. There was no compromise. Getting them near each other was like lighting the fuse of a bomb. It was stupid of us to even try to get them to be civil for a birthday or special occasion. We eventually settled with for having "birthday weeks" because we had to do two or three different things for each birthday and christmas to please everyone.. but not anymore...

How can one random moment bring so much ease into so many peoples lives? It's like for 8 years, we have been walking around barefoot on shards of glass- tiptoe-ing waiting to; at any moment, a split second of not paying attention and dropping the ball briefly would cause us to cut ourselves to pieces. So Unpredictable.

So many years of confusion, of white lies and pacification. Just thinking about it all, my chest feels like there is a tonne of bricks crushing it. But now, a weight has been lifted. We can all truly move on.

My parents had dinner and spoke. Talked about what? Where the relationship failed? Whatever it was, they discussed it and closed the book of our past and opened a new book, starting at the beginning- writing a future. And just like that... I have my parents back.

Maybe the previous relationships were unsuccessful because neither could never truly move on. There was too much hurt and anger consuming them, leaving them unable to care for anyone new. Old ties that could never be broken, as though it couldn't happen until they could let go of the past and the life they had together. They could not be truly happy without each other- there was just still too much between them. It wasn't quite love... their hate consumed them in a similar matter though.

Last week, the let the floodgates open and there is now water under the bridge. It was a long time coming and something I never dreamed could possibly happen but they are now on speaking terms. The sensoring of conversations anybody had that either parent depending on who was the topic; is no longer bitter. Birthdays no longer have to be strained. My Brother can now have a 21st Party without having to chose between our families. For one night, they will be able to be in the same room without there being tension in the air...
I am so proud of them. Most of all, I am relieved. I can now look forward to my sons birthdays, Family Christmas'. The competition is over between them. We no longer have to choose. The peace is like silence... so soothing. So appreciated.... But leaving so much room for boisterous noise when you want it. The choice is finally ours.

I have my family back. I also have the people who came into my life when things were shit and I hope to keep them in my life forever. I don't have to pretend anymore. I don't need to be strong or take each day as it comes. I have all the people I could dream of in my life to share my worries and successes....
And just like that....
I am complete.

13) Relief...

Who would have thought blogging my thoughts and feelings would be so therapeutic. Not quite having to say it out aloud, but putting it out there for others to understand. I have been able to make logic of all the thoughts that buzz aorund in my head. Typing words, using grammar, making paragraphs. I can now put full stops at the end of each sentance, end of each paragraph, end of each chapter- and close the book of my broken past, once and for all.

I can't say talking about it out loud is any easier than it ever was. I just don't think I can find the right words or flow to descibe it; like I can when I type. The second my fingers touch the keys, my brain is only used make it legible. My heart and soul is what tells the story. I lose all control, completely consumed by concentrating on an apostrophe here, and a comma there. I could have only hoped, that I would be running out of things to say. That the day would come, when my story could be yours to interpret without me having to hear it too; words said by my own voice. You can't hear my voice break when I speak, I can't skip the parts that I can't explain. Typing just flows until my head slowly stops, still. No more suffocation, I can breathe again. Relief.

12) Precious Moments

I don't think I have ever said any of this out loud. It's hard for me to admit that I remember being pregnant- but only because I hated it every minute of it. The impending arrival of my baby and then realisation that I was going to be a Mum, always felt so surreal. Like it wasn't happening to me. I was negative, I shuddered when I had to say it old loud. I was pregnant, how disgusting. I hated what it meant, that I would never be 'just me' again.

The decision to have a baby- I felt I never made one. It was too hard a decision and I couldn't make it myself. I put my life into someone else's hands. Perhaps, I never felt the decision was mine; as it impacted more than just me. I'm ashamed to say that the best decision that has ever been made in my life, was not my own.


I was supposed to be alone, I had plans. I was 18 and I was going live out of a suitcase and travel the world. I had a future, without any roots. For so many years I had never had roots, houses but never a home. How could I bring someone into a world to try and survive and succeed when I didn't even have a place in life- of my own?

I will never get those first moments back. I will never be pregnant with my first child again. I will never cradle my first born as a brand new baby in my arms. He is now growing everyday and is going to continue to grow, and grow. I will never feel my swollen belly get bigger each day, it will never be beautiful. I will never sing him a song, because I know he is listening, loving my voice. I will never read him a story, because he is learning even from inside me. I will never let someone put their hands on my huge belly and share the feeing and get excited to feel him kick. I wasted these moments with my negativity- and I will never get them back.

I wish I had known then, how it feels now..

How did those memories become so surreal? Being pregnant, birthing a baby, watching him grow. I have lots of pictures but I barely remember the moments, it's such a blur. I have some memories of the early days, but I can't remember how I felt when I first held my baby boy in my arms, I can't remember what his first words were, or where we were when he took his first steps. How can I remember so many bad things that went on in my life, but not remember these significant moments as a Mum? Is it possible that my 'memory bank' is full- of mostly bad memories? That there is no room now, to store and remenisce on the best parts of my life?

So many women would love nothing more than to be pregnant and I wasted mine. They will never get to hold their baby, born sleeping. Never be able to take their baby home, born unhealthy but still so perfect. My heart breaks, when I think of all the precious moments that I had the opportunity to have, that I wasted. I have taken advantage of being given a healthy a baby boy- all 9 pounds 10 and a half ounces of him- born with 10 fingers and 10 toes- so perfect and beautiful. I am lucky enough to be able to have him wake me up before 7 am... everyday. And for that, I am so grateful. I get to watch my baby grow.

So, I am hitting the rewind button and erasing all the bad memories that are taking up the room for all the beautiful memories to come. He is my life... and I will never waste another single, precious moment again.

Take the time to write things down, document them. Don't rely on the memories just being there in years to come. They fade so quickly. Enjoy every single precious second in time you have with them, they grow so fast, the moments don't last. It's easy to get too busy, and then suddenly (like me), you are planning your baby's third birthday. Don't just use your camera for the special occasions, all moments are special and one day you may only have these captured moments left.
I can only hope that he knew how much he meant to me, seconds after he was born. That getting up to do night feeds was never a chore. That when I yell at him, it's only because I would never want anything to happen to him or ever would be able to cope if I had to live without him. I can only hope he knows that I am so proud, when he goes to the toilet on his own or when I climbs up a ladder without my help. That I am sorry I didn't love him before I saw him, when he was only small inside me. I would never have taken those moments for granted had I known that I would be blessed with such an amazing, beautiful boy and know that if I could go back and change it, I would.

Sometimes, I feel like we are still just kids playing grown up and we could be heading back to school at any minute. We are just imagining what our lives will be like when we grow up, imagine getting married, having children of our own. I guess now though, the happiness is what makes it surreal. Sitting and think and feeling so happy I could burst. And looking back at how far we have all come, knowing all the possibilites we have for the future. I could never have conjured such an amazing life or such amazing experiences in my imagination. Never, in a millions years, could I have thought I would be so lucky.

Without wishing my life away, I can see myself and beautiful friends sitting around no longer gossiping about our lives...In the blink of an eye, we will be talking about our children that have families of their own...Planning for their weddings, preparing for their entrance into the journey of parenthood. The greatest gift we can give someone is to show them to have faith in life and love... What is life without love? The love of another person, the love of a child. No amount of money, could ever compare to the feeling..

Did I plan to fall pregnant and have a baby? No, but that doesn't mean he was an accident. He didn't accidently come along, he was supposed to be mine. He was supposed to change my life. He was given to me so I could see all that was possible, everything that was achievable and made me determined to fill his life with happiness, possibilities and love... He gave me a purpose. I was always supposed to be a Mum. Every other success in my life, is and will continue to be a bonus only made possible by his arrival into the world. My biggest success, will always be being blessed with having him and him being mine.

Sometimes you forget these things, because being a Mum is hard. Its 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. No sick days, holidays or leave. Money makes some times hard, but I get paid in smiles which is worth more than anything. And when times are really tough, I have so many places to turn. I have so many beautiful Mum's around me, completely forsaking themselves to be completely dedicated to the lives of their children. They are the strongest people I know. They remind me, that you are forever a Mum- whether your baby is in your arms, grown up or in heaven... and we are the luckiest people in the world.

11) Smiling is Infectious..

I love this poem. Such a simple concept, yet so effective :)


Smiling is infectious
You catch it like the flu
When someone smiled at me today
I started smiling too
I walked around the corner
And someone saw me grin
When he smiled I realised
I had passed it on to him
I thought about the smile
And then realised its worth
A single smile like mine
Could travel round the earth
So if you feel a smile begin
Don't leave it undetected
Start an epidemic
And get the world infected.