My 'Blurt' Prologue...

My story is a long one. Though, now that my life is on track- it feels like just that.
A Story. Maybe someone else's story? I don't know..
Who would have thought this would begin from trying to learn how to touch type?
This is where the idea of typing about my life, my story, on a screen begins.
Surely, by the time I have finished pouring my heart out onto a blank canvas, putting it into
words for someone other than me to understand, I should be able to type 60 words per minute and
my soul will be lighter. My head will be clearer. I will be complete...

Friday, September 3, 2010

15) You are the weakest link- Goodbye!

When is it time to cut your losses and just move on?  When do you stop fighting and working hard to keep people in your life, when they really don't bring anything positive to it? How long are you really indebted to someone that helped you and where is the line for when you no longer have to put up with the shit the relationship brings?

Without complicating this post with more years of complications than the average reader could possibly ever follow, I'll give you a brief outline about the people I am venting about...

I have called them my family for longer than I can remember. They were long term family friends for 10 years before they became my family. We practically ate out of the same bowl during the hardest years of my life. They pushed me to take steps out of my confort zone and move on to start creating positives in my life. They helped me find a new beginning.

Yes, they were very important to me indeed. Even though we weren't blood, I defended them and cared for them more than people in my life that WERE my blood. I appreciated and valued all of them- and for what?

Without getting into the politics of it all (people who know me know the story anyway) these people are not the nicest people. You are either in the group, or on the outer. All decisions are made as part of a 'Kangaroo Court'. Being in the group is very exclusive and the power is addictive. But- part of this group, you are required to be fighting or hating someone at all times.

You can never be without a drama. The group thrives on the drama in other people lives. They love to 'fish' for a fight. Give you enough line, give it a little tug.... wait for you to take the bait and bam! They get you. You are the flavoured of the week, the lucky person they are going to attempt to torment as much as possible until the next sucker comes along.

There has been a few times recently that I have considered cutting all ties. A part of me didn't want to cut them out of my life because I have cared for them all so long. I constantly tried to maintain the relationships, texting and calling from time to time... dropping over for a visit when permitted. I did everything I could to keep the friendship but tried to stay out of the drama and politics. Apparently, there is no such thing.

I am officially "disposed" of.

Now, I don't mean to big note myself but I believe I am a pretty good friend. I try really hard to keep in contact with people, be there when I'm needed, drop everything to be there for them in a crisis. I like to make people feel special on their birthdays, give them a text to tell them how much I appreciate them when I am having a euphoric moment. Whether we haven't spoken in days, weeks, months or years; a friendship is a frienship. Nothing that can't be mended. No amount of time is ever too long, I'm just a phone call away. I love the people in my life, and would do anything for them.

I was left a little bit angry today. I got a message (not even a phone call, no effort as far as discussing any matters) I was informed that it would be best if we 'go out different ways'. At first, I was hurt. Then, I was hurt AND angry. Now, not much gets me really angry these days but being treated like I am nothing really gets me going. A gutless text message stating all the reasons why I was being disposed of by someone I have had in my life for around 15 years, who was there when my child was born, someone who REALLY mattered to me... has disposed of me like she has with all the others, like I meant nothing. I was no loss to her.

I had thought long and hard about taking a step away from all the shit that came with being friends with the people in the group. Even though it would make my life EASIER, I decided that I didn't want to lose them. Although I didn't agree with how they lived their lives and treated the people in it, I wanted to keep them in my life for everything in my past they helped me conquer.

Obviously, they didn't rate me as highly and the tribe spoke and I was disposed of.

I don't want anything bad to happen to anyone, especially people who have been so important to me for so many tears but the first thing that comes to mind (that hurt and angry first reaction) is F*^K YOU!! But I am bigger than that. The second things is Karma is a bitch..... People in glass houses really shouldn't throw stones.....

Now there is plenty of horrible things I would love to say. I want to ask them why they think they can treat me so shit. I want them to know how hurt and angry I am...I want to tell them that they are nothing but miserable, spiteful people. I want them to say sorry and tell me how important I am in their lives. That I am more than just a 'flavour of the month'... I refuse to do it though, because no doubt they are all sitting around holding court right now, just waiting to have a laugh over my reaction. I will not justify that message with a response. I will not be there comedy for an evening of drinking. I will not give up my morals- for them.

The biggest realisation I have had is that they are untouchable. You cannot break them. They are better than everyone and you can not scratch the surface. Even if I said all the spiteful things I possibly could, they wouldn't bat an eyelid because they just don't care about anything or anyone. They are loyal only to each other... the surface cannot be penetrated. They will never put their arms down for anyone. It's them against the world and screw anyone they stumble across on their war path.

I refuse to lose sleep over it. I am disappointed for all the hard work over the years that has been wasted and to lose the people who I chose over others in important times in my life. I'm sorry for all that I did or didn;t do. I'm sorry for the people I hurt when I was part of the 'Kangaroo Court'. Most of all, I'm sorry for hurting the positive people in my life and chosing these negative people in important situations. Everything happens for a reason and maybe this is it....

Maybe, I needed this to be a wake up call... A reminder to never be a follower, be a leader... I know I am not alone, but sometimes its good to be independent. Strength isn't just in numbers, numbers are for the weak. In numbers, it's all about intimidation... But, It's not always a 'if you can't beat 'em, join em' philosophy... because when the numbers turn and you're all alone will you conform or rise above it all and stand out from the crowd?

I know who I am. I am a good person. And although I will miss them, if I am not as important to them as they are to me- then I am better off without them. I'd rather share myself with people who are positive and love me for me...

And I am the luckiest person in the world to be surrounded by people who continuously do just that...

Thursday, September 2, 2010

14) The Impossible...

I had honestly stopped dreaming of this event, thinking it would never be possible. There was too much hurt and anger. Hatred. Spite. They were consumed, driven by hoping nothing positive happened to the other person. Even wished of the other person being destroyed, for good. After so many years, the hatred and anger was like a bad storm with no end in sight. There was no possibility of reconciliation, there was too much irrepairable hurt.

Last week the most amazing thing happened... I can still barely believe it. My own pain was lifted. The book of hurt was closed.

It all started with a simple message. An extended hand, a moment that made the world shift in direction. Made a world of possibilities open... It's like any moment when someone steps out of whatever has been holding them back and says- Let's talk. Who would have thought it could open up so many possibilites and give somany people to peace to move on with their lives?

For over 8 years, my parents hated each other. There was no compromise. Getting them near each other was like lighting the fuse of a bomb. It was stupid of us to even try to get them to be civil for a birthday or special occasion. We eventually settled with for having "birthday weeks" because we had to do two or three different things for each birthday and christmas to please everyone.. but not anymore...

How can one random moment bring so much ease into so many peoples lives? It's like for 8 years, we have been walking around barefoot on shards of glass- tiptoe-ing waiting to; at any moment, a split second of not paying attention and dropping the ball briefly would cause us to cut ourselves to pieces. So Unpredictable.

So many years of confusion, of white lies and pacification. Just thinking about it all, my chest feels like there is a tonne of bricks crushing it. But now, a weight has been lifted. We can all truly move on.

My parents had dinner and spoke. Talked about what? Where the relationship failed? Whatever it was, they discussed it and closed the book of our past and opened a new book, starting at the beginning- writing a future. And just like that... I have my parents back.

Maybe the previous relationships were unsuccessful because neither could never truly move on. There was too much hurt and anger consuming them, leaving them unable to care for anyone new. Old ties that could never be broken, as though it couldn't happen until they could let go of the past and the life they had together. They could not be truly happy without each other- there was just still too much between them. It wasn't quite love... their hate consumed them in a similar matter though.

Last week, the let the floodgates open and there is now water under the bridge. It was a long time coming and something I never dreamed could possibly happen but they are now on speaking terms. The sensoring of conversations anybody had that either parent depending on who was the topic; is no longer bitter. Birthdays no longer have to be strained. My Brother can now have a 21st Party without having to chose between our families. For one night, they will be able to be in the same room without there being tension in the air...
I am so proud of them. Most of all, I am relieved. I can now look forward to my sons birthdays, Family Christmas'. The competition is over between them. We no longer have to choose. The peace is like silence... so soothing. So appreciated.... But leaving so much room for boisterous noise when you want it. The choice is finally ours.

I have my family back. I also have the people who came into my life when things were shit and I hope to keep them in my life forever. I don't have to pretend anymore. I don't need to be strong or take each day as it comes. I have all the people I could dream of in my life to share my worries and successes....
And just like that....
I am complete.

13) Relief...

Who would have thought blogging my thoughts and feelings would be so therapeutic. Not quite having to say it out aloud, but putting it out there for others to understand. I have been able to make logic of all the thoughts that buzz aorund in my head. Typing words, using grammar, making paragraphs. I can now put full stops at the end of each sentance, end of each paragraph, end of each chapter- and close the book of my broken past, once and for all.

I can't say talking about it out loud is any easier than it ever was. I just don't think I can find the right words or flow to descibe it; like I can when I type. The second my fingers touch the keys, my brain is only used make it legible. My heart and soul is what tells the story. I lose all control, completely consumed by concentrating on an apostrophe here, and a comma there. I could have only hoped, that I would be running out of things to say. That the day would come, when my story could be yours to interpret without me having to hear it too; words said by my own voice. You can't hear my voice break when I speak, I can't skip the parts that I can't explain. Typing just flows until my head slowly stops, still. No more suffocation, I can breathe again. Relief.