My 'Blurt' Prologue...

My story is a long one. Though, now that my life is on track- it feels like just that.
A Story. Maybe someone else's story? I don't know..
Who would have thought this would begin from trying to learn how to touch type?
This is where the idea of typing about my life, my story, on a screen begins.
Surely, by the time I have finished pouring my heart out onto a blank canvas, putting it into
words for someone other than me to understand, I should be able to type 60 words per minute and
my soul will be lighter. My head will be clearer. I will be complete...

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

20) .... but I love him (Part 2)

I have been having a moment.

Like everyone, I often have thoughts of the negative kind but have mastered the ability to turn them off. Sometimes, my control slips a little and my thoughts and worries start to unravel before me. They continue to take control and eventually it becomes a downward spiral. I feel like a tonne of bricks is sitting on my chest and I don't feel like getting out of bed. I just want a break, a moment from it all, just some time out from my life. Everything and everyone irritates me. I feel unappreciated, over worked and unloved. I think the people around me are draining the life right from me... and think the relationships I have a falling apart and that the person I love, no longer loves me or wants me.

I wonder if its because I am such a control freak that when I lose control of my thoughts, it manages to make me feel like I have been hit by a Mack Truck carrying an oversized load of concrete barriers. Everything becomes a struggle and everything is overwhelming. For about a week, everything is EXTREME.

When I was at my worst, this was how I felt ALL THE TIME. Nowadays, it is only a momentary thing and lasts for a week at the most (thank god!) before I can't start changing the way I think and getting some control and positive energy flowing again. The hardest part is, it is often unexpected. I haven't yet figured out what triggers my 'moment'. It will be something that is outside, something random that happens that sifts the mood of the people around me, or my relationship. It always catches me off guard.

This week, my head decided he didn't love me anymore. It decided I could no longer give him what he wanted and I had ran out of things to give. He deserved better, more, because I have a child and I made him move away from his whole life. I thought he was talking to another girl, that he had lost interest in me, no longer found me attractive. Now that I am rational, I don't believe any of this is true. Yet, 5 days ago, I was making myself sick with it all.

During these times, I tend to sabotage good things. Not many things in my life have remained constant and so subconciously I believe that I have had much more success than I deserve and that things will eventually all go to shit (so to speak). So, naturally, I start to destroy the postive things around me. I think that I do this because of all the things in my life that have been out of my control. By sabotaging them myself, it is in my control. If I just let things happen and let it all be taken away from me... I would be unprepared and not able to cope. If I control it, I will get through it.

I'm fed up with myself. I can't let this cycle control me anymore. I don't want to lose the things I have, or the people I love at my hand, or anyone elses. I'm happy and I'm going to enjoy being happy. People go through rough times all the time and every reltionship has their moments.

So, I am finding myself some new quotes and sayings and new theories and mottos to live by, and giving it my all. I love him. He loves me. I am succesful and deserve a good life. I am a good person. I am still....ME! I'm only human and no stronger or better than the next person. I love my life and I'm going to grab it and hang onto it with everything I've got...


Sunday, October 24, 2010

19) The plan..

I always need a plan- so the new plan is... To have no plan.

18) ...but I love him?

You. Are. Breaking. My. Fucking. Heart.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

17) A Brief Rundown

It has been such a long time since I made a post. I wonder if its because I am too busy, or that I have recently been far too lazy. On the plus side, after a month of not blogging I am still touch typing!! This post has a few thoughts I've had recently and may seem to not have a start and finish, but I will elaborate at a later stage.

It's been a really weird time for me since my last post....since then, I have felt unsettled but also content, disappointed but hopeful. I have had relationship milestones, lost a loved one, surgery for my baby boy, his 3rd birthday and also a wedding... After 1 year, I have made a friend in my new town!! In one month, I have looked for new jobs, looked for new houses, looked into my future... but revisited my past too. I've also been dead broke but finally seen first hand how money buys money...

I guess no matter how hard you try to forget, there is always someone who remembers and still suffers from the demons of their past. Apparently, time heals all wounds... but do they really? People continue to suffer with the hurt they experienced at times of their lives. I've learnt to just turn it off. Change my negative thoughts as quickly as I have them. I do believe peoples actions are knee jerk reactions to how them have coped with things in the past. I really want to explore this some more...

On the 18th of September 2010, my Great Grandma passed away at 91 years old. I hit our family, hard. Although she was an elderly woman, she never seemed frail. Always independent with her sneaky quirks, we had never actually considered the possibility that she might one day pass away. Now, I can barely believe that it has happened, or how it all happened, or the timing of how it happened either. The whole event was just one big shock. A month and a bit on, I still feel her all around me, so I don't miss her that much. Of course I MISS her, but I don't feel like she is really gone and I like it that way... I will post a poem that I read at her funeral later... Love you Grandma... 12.12.1918-18.9.2010

I was reading a book they other day about prayers and beliefs and being consumed during meditation by a 'higher power'. Now, I have nothing against religion or other peoples beliefs, but I have never felt that there is anything more out there but my own thoughts and feelings. It's never made me feel like its something I need to explore. I am pretty content with what is out there....

A huge thing that I am struggling with is the fact that I have built someone I love up, promising them the world and then letting them down. I promised someone its possible that they will be able to own a house and turns out, it can’t happen for some time. I feel like I've just set him up to fail. It made me wonder, is promising a man that anything is possible if you are together…. is that the same as promising a girl that one day (if she plays her cards right) her man will marry her? Hmmmm. Watch this space.

I guess one this I realise is, I'm just so lucky to have someone that I love, that loves me in return.... at least for now...

16) My Poem

I haven't written a poem since school and decided to give it a go...

For all Time
Pass time, Pass time,
let it be,
time for him to walk through the door,
and kiss me.

Ring ring, ring ring,
drop everything and hurry,
he might need me,
to drop something to him right now

Play time, Play time,
Let me watch,
my baby tell him a story
and him listen.

Deep breaths, deep breaths,
He is a boy,
he has to leave everything he touches,
in a mess.

His time, his time,
I will carry,
his heart in my heart,
by caddying with his golf clubs.

Count days, Count days,
until we get
a day together with no time,
and just each other.

Stop time, Stop time,
let me enjoy
my heart beating quickly,
and stay in this place,
in love,

Friday, September 3, 2010

15) You are the weakest link- Goodbye!

When is it time to cut your losses and just move on?  When do you stop fighting and working hard to keep people in your life, when they really don't bring anything positive to it? How long are you really indebted to someone that helped you and where is the line for when you no longer have to put up with the shit the relationship brings?

Without complicating this post with more years of complications than the average reader could possibly ever follow, I'll give you a brief outline about the people I am venting about...

I have called them my family for longer than I can remember. They were long term family friends for 10 years before they became my family. We practically ate out of the same bowl during the hardest years of my life. They pushed me to take steps out of my confort zone and move on to start creating positives in my life. They helped me find a new beginning.

Yes, they were very important to me indeed. Even though we weren't blood, I defended them and cared for them more than people in my life that WERE my blood. I appreciated and valued all of them- and for what?

Without getting into the politics of it all (people who know me know the story anyway) these people are not the nicest people. You are either in the group, or on the outer. All decisions are made as part of a 'Kangaroo Court'. Being in the group is very exclusive and the power is addictive. But- part of this group, you are required to be fighting or hating someone at all times.

You can never be without a drama. The group thrives on the drama in other people lives. They love to 'fish' for a fight. Give you enough line, give it a little tug.... wait for you to take the bait and bam! They get you. You are the flavoured of the week, the lucky person they are going to attempt to torment as much as possible until the next sucker comes along.

There has been a few times recently that I have considered cutting all ties. A part of me didn't want to cut them out of my life because I have cared for them all so long. I constantly tried to maintain the relationships, texting and calling from time to time... dropping over for a visit when permitted. I did everything I could to keep the friendship but tried to stay out of the drama and politics. Apparently, there is no such thing.

I am officially "disposed" of.

Now, I don't mean to big note myself but I believe I am a pretty good friend. I try really hard to keep in contact with people, be there when I'm needed, drop everything to be there for them in a crisis. I like to make people feel special on their birthdays, give them a text to tell them how much I appreciate them when I am having a euphoric moment. Whether we haven't spoken in days, weeks, months or years; a friendship is a frienship. Nothing that can't be mended. No amount of time is ever too long, I'm just a phone call away. I love the people in my life, and would do anything for them.

I was left a little bit angry today. I got a message (not even a phone call, no effort as far as discussing any matters) I was informed that it would be best if we 'go out different ways'. At first, I was hurt. Then, I was hurt AND angry. Now, not much gets me really angry these days but being treated like I am nothing really gets me going. A gutless text message stating all the reasons why I was being disposed of by someone I have had in my life for around 15 years, who was there when my child was born, someone who REALLY mattered to me... has disposed of me like she has with all the others, like I meant nothing. I was no loss to her.

I had thought long and hard about taking a step away from all the shit that came with being friends with the people in the group. Even though it would make my life EASIER, I decided that I didn't want to lose them. Although I didn't agree with how they lived their lives and treated the people in it, I wanted to keep them in my life for everything in my past they helped me conquer.

Obviously, they didn't rate me as highly and the tribe spoke and I was disposed of.

I don't want anything bad to happen to anyone, especially people who have been so important to me for so many tears but the first thing that comes to mind (that hurt and angry first reaction) is F*^K YOU!! But I am bigger than that. The second things is Karma is a bitch..... People in glass houses really shouldn't throw stones.....

Now there is plenty of horrible things I would love to say. I want to ask them why they think they can treat me so shit. I want them to know how hurt and angry I am...I want to tell them that they are nothing but miserable, spiteful people. I want them to say sorry and tell me how important I am in their lives. That I am more than just a 'flavour of the month'... I refuse to do it though, because no doubt they are all sitting around holding court right now, just waiting to have a laugh over my reaction. I will not justify that message with a response. I will not be there comedy for an evening of drinking. I will not give up my morals- for them.

The biggest realisation I have had is that they are untouchable. You cannot break them. They are better than everyone and you can not scratch the surface. Even if I said all the spiteful things I possibly could, they wouldn't bat an eyelid because they just don't care about anything or anyone. They are loyal only to each other... the surface cannot be penetrated. They will never put their arms down for anyone. It's them against the world and screw anyone they stumble across on their war path.

I refuse to lose sleep over it. I am disappointed for all the hard work over the years that has been wasted and to lose the people who I chose over others in important times in my life. I'm sorry for all that I did or didn;t do. I'm sorry for the people I hurt when I was part of the 'Kangaroo Court'. Most of all, I'm sorry for hurting the positive people in my life and chosing these negative people in important situations. Everything happens for a reason and maybe this is it....

Maybe, I needed this to be a wake up call... A reminder to never be a follower, be a leader... I know I am not alone, but sometimes its good to be independent. Strength isn't just in numbers, numbers are for the weak. In numbers, it's all about intimidation... But, It's not always a 'if you can't beat 'em, join em' philosophy... because when the numbers turn and you're all alone will you conform or rise above it all and stand out from the crowd?

I know who I am. I am a good person. And although I will miss them, if I am not as important to them as they are to me- then I am better off without them. I'd rather share myself with people who are positive and love me for me...

And I am the luckiest person in the world to be surrounded by people who continuously do just that...

Thursday, September 2, 2010

14) The Impossible...

I had honestly stopped dreaming of this event, thinking it would never be possible. There was too much hurt and anger. Hatred. Spite. They were consumed, driven by hoping nothing positive happened to the other person. Even wished of the other person being destroyed, for good. After so many years, the hatred and anger was like a bad storm with no end in sight. There was no possibility of reconciliation, there was too much irrepairable hurt.

Last week the most amazing thing happened... I can still barely believe it. My own pain was lifted. The book of hurt was closed.

It all started with a simple message. An extended hand, a moment that made the world shift in direction. Made a world of possibilities open... It's like any moment when someone steps out of whatever has been holding them back and says- Let's talk. Who would have thought it could open up so many possibilites and give somany people to peace to move on with their lives?

For over 8 years, my parents hated each other. There was no compromise. Getting them near each other was like lighting the fuse of a bomb. It was stupid of us to even try to get them to be civil for a birthday or special occasion. We eventually settled with for having "birthday weeks" because we had to do two or three different things for each birthday and christmas to please everyone.. but not anymore...

How can one random moment bring so much ease into so many peoples lives? It's like for 8 years, we have been walking around barefoot on shards of glass- tiptoe-ing waiting to; at any moment, a split second of not paying attention and dropping the ball briefly would cause us to cut ourselves to pieces. So Unpredictable.

So many years of confusion, of white lies and pacification. Just thinking about it all, my chest feels like there is a tonne of bricks crushing it. But now, a weight has been lifted. We can all truly move on.

My parents had dinner and spoke. Talked about what? Where the relationship failed? Whatever it was, they discussed it and closed the book of our past and opened a new book, starting at the beginning- writing a future. And just like that... I have my parents back.

Maybe the previous relationships were unsuccessful because neither could never truly move on. There was too much hurt and anger consuming them, leaving them unable to care for anyone new. Old ties that could never be broken, as though it couldn't happen until they could let go of the past and the life they had together. They could not be truly happy without each other- there was just still too much between them. It wasn't quite love... their hate consumed them in a similar matter though.

Last week, the let the floodgates open and there is now water under the bridge. It was a long time coming and something I never dreamed could possibly happen but they are now on speaking terms. The sensoring of conversations anybody had that either parent depending on who was the topic; is no longer bitter. Birthdays no longer have to be strained. My Brother can now have a 21st Party without having to chose between our families. For one night, they will be able to be in the same room without there being tension in the air...
I am so proud of them. Most of all, I am relieved. I can now look forward to my sons birthdays, Family Christmas'. The competition is over between them. We no longer have to choose. The peace is like silence... so soothing. So appreciated.... But leaving so much room for boisterous noise when you want it. The choice is finally ours.

I have my family back. I also have the people who came into my life when things were shit and I hope to keep them in my life forever. I don't have to pretend anymore. I don't need to be strong or take each day as it comes. I have all the people I could dream of in my life to share my worries and successes....
And just like that....
I am complete.

13) Relief...

Who would have thought blogging my thoughts and feelings would be so therapeutic. Not quite having to say it out aloud, but putting it out there for others to understand. I have been able to make logic of all the thoughts that buzz aorund in my head. Typing words, using grammar, making paragraphs. I can now put full stops at the end of each sentance, end of each paragraph, end of each chapter- and close the book of my broken past, once and for all.

I can't say talking about it out loud is any easier than it ever was. I just don't think I can find the right words or flow to descibe it; like I can when I type. The second my fingers touch the keys, my brain is only used make it legible. My heart and soul is what tells the story. I lose all control, completely consumed by concentrating on an apostrophe here, and a comma there. I could have only hoped, that I would be running out of things to say. That the day would come, when my story could be yours to interpret without me having to hear it too; words said by my own voice. You can't hear my voice break when I speak, I can't skip the parts that I can't explain. Typing just flows until my head slowly stops, still. No more suffocation, I can breathe again. Relief.

Friday, August 20, 2010

12) Precious Moments

I don't think I have ever said any of this out loud. It's hard for me to admit that I remember being pregnant- but only because I hated it every minute of it. The impending arrival of my baby and then realisation that I was going to be a Mum, always felt so surreal. Like it wasn't happening to me. I was negative, I shuddered when I had to say it old loud. I was pregnant, how disgusting. I hated what it meant, that I would never be 'just me' again.

The decision to have a baby- I felt I never made one. It was too hard a decision and I couldn't make it myself. I put my life into someone else's hands. Perhaps, I never felt the decision was mine; as it impacted more than just me. I'm ashamed to say that the best decision that has ever been made in my life, was not my own.

I was supposed to be alone, I had plans. I was 18 and I was going live out of a suitcase and travel the world. I had a future, without any roots. For so many years I had never had roots, houses but never a home. How could I bring someone into a world to try and survive and succeed when I didn't even have a place in life- of my own?

I will never get those first moments back. I will never be pregnant with my first child again. I will never cradle my first born as a brand new baby in my arms. He is now growing everyday and is going to continue to grow, and grow. I will never feel my swollen belly get bigger each day, it will never be beautiful. I will never sing him a song, because I know he is listening, loving my voice. I will never read him a story, because he is learning even from inside me. I will never let someone put their hands on my huge belly and share the feeing and get excited to feel him kick. I wasted these moments with my negativity- and I will never get them back.

I wish I had known then, how it feels now..

How did those memories become so surreal? Being pregnant, birthing a baby, watching him grow. I have lots of pictures but I barely remember the moments, it's such a blur. I have some memories of the early days, but I can't remember how I felt when I first held my baby boy in my arms, I can't remember what his first words were, or where we were when he took his first steps. How can I remember so many bad things that went on in my life, but not remember these significant moments as a Mum? Is it possible that my 'memory bank' is full- of mostly bad memories? That there is no room now, to store and remenisce on the best parts of my life?

So many women would love nothing more than to be pregnant and I wasted mine. They will never get to hold their baby, born sleeping. Never be able to take their baby home, born unhealthy but still so perfect. My heart breaks, when I think of all the precious moments that I had the opportunity to have, that I wasted. I have taken advantage of being given a healthy a baby boy- all 9 pounds 10 and a half ounces of him- born with 10 fingers and 10 toes- so perfect and beautiful. I am lucky enough to be able to have him wake me up before 7 am... everyday. And for that, I am so grateful. I get to watch my baby grow.

So, I am hitting the rewind button and erasing all the bad memories that are taking up the room for all the beautiful memories to come. He is my life... and I will never waste another single, precious moment again.

Take the time to write things down, document them. Don't rely on the memories just being there in years to come. They fade so quickly. Enjoy every single precious second in time you have with them, they grow so fast, the moments don't last. It's easy to get too busy, and then suddenly (like me), you are planning your baby's third birthday. Don't just use your camera for the special occasions, all moments are special and one day you may only have these captured moments left.
I can only hope that he knew how much he meant to me, seconds after he was born. That getting up to do night feeds was never a chore. That when I yell at him, it's only because I would never want anything to happen to him or ever would be able to cope if I had to live without him. I can only hope he knows that I am so proud, when he goes to the toilet on his own or when I climbs up a ladder without my help. That I am sorry I didn't love him before I saw him, when he was only small inside me. I would never have taken those moments for granted had I known that I would be blessed with such an amazing, beautiful boy and know that if I could go back and change it, I would.

Sometimes, I feel like we are still just kids playing grown up and we could be heading back to school at any minute. We are just imagining what our lives will be like when we grow up, imagine getting married, having children of our own. I guess now though, the happiness is what makes it surreal. Sitting and think and feeling so happy I could burst. And looking back at how far we have all come, knowing all the possibilites we have for the future. I could never have conjured such an amazing life or such amazing experiences in my imagination. Never, in a millions years, could I have thought I would be so lucky.

Without wishing my life away, I can see myself and beautiful friends sitting around no longer gossiping about our lives...In the blink of an eye, we will be talking about our children that have families of their own...Planning for their weddings, preparing for their entrance into the journey of parenthood. The greatest gift we can give someone is to show them to have faith in life and love... What is life without love? The love of another person, the love of a child. No amount of money, could ever compare to the feeling..

Did I plan to fall pregnant and have a baby? No, but that doesn't mean he was an accident. He didn't accidently come along, he was supposed to be mine. He was supposed to change my life. He was given to me so I could see all that was possible, everything that was achievable and made me determined to fill his life with happiness, possibilities and love... He gave me a purpose. I was always supposed to be a Mum. Every other success in my life, is and will continue to be a bonus only made possible by his arrival into the world. My biggest success, will always be being blessed with having him and him being mine.

Sometimes you forget these things, because being a Mum is hard. Its 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. No sick days, holidays or leave. Money makes some times hard, but I get paid in smiles which is worth more than anything. And when times are really tough, I have so many places to turn. I have so many beautiful Mum's around me, completely forsaking themselves to be completely dedicated to the lives of their children. They are the strongest people I know. They remind me, that you are forever a Mum- whether your baby is in your arms, grown up or in heaven... and we are the luckiest people in the world.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

11) Smiling is Infectious..

I love this poem. Such a simple concept, yet so effective :)

Smiling is infectious
You catch it like the flu
When someone smiled at me today
I started smiling too
I walked around the corner
And someone saw me grin
When he smiled I realised
I had passed it on to him
I thought about the smile
And then realised its worth
A single smile like mine
Could travel round the earth
So if you feel a smile begin
Don't leave it undetected
Start an epidemic
And get the world infected.

10) Switzerland

This may be a bold statement, but I think I have a decent understanding of how the 'emotions' side of the human mind works. I think I have had enough experience of psychological and emotional torment and have been a firsthand witness in enough cases to have earned a degree in something. I can lend advice when it comes to how to deal with a situation and most times, it is some sort of relationship drama.

I am revealing my secrets. My information, worthy of a degree, about what makes people tick. I believe I have figured out the secret to a peaceful life.

Scenario 1.

You meet someone. You spend some time with them or speak often via text messages or phone calls. You get on well and both seem keen. Soon, one person seems to be sending more texts or calling then the other. Then, you message or call to see why they are no longer messaging and calling. Then, you are messaging or calling to see why they didn't reply to your 'reply to my message or call' message. You appear psychotic. You try to stop them from thinking you are psychotic, by calling or messaging them with an excuse or explanation. You lose the person. Game over.

And then you are left thinking, where did I go wrong?

So often, women (and some men) make the mistake of appearing too needy, too keen. Very soon they are chasing a man (or woman) that they are interested in. How does it go from being a simple conversation in the attempt to get to know someone- to becoming an obsession with waiting for a reply? Aren't we in the 21st Century where women can take control of the relationships put themselves out there and get what they want? Don't we hear about woman being the instigators of one night stands, 'no strings' booty calls or proposing to the man she loves? These women have just changed the way they 'think' and are happy to take a leap and hope for the best. If it doesn't work out- Meh. Pick yourself up and try again.

What if the secret was actually about adopting some simple principles, rules if you may- that assist with dealing with everyday situations? Every action has a reaction, but what if you remove a fighter from the fight?

The most successful concept I have found is- you can think it. Think whatever you like… Just don’t say it! Fantasize about all the horrible words and things you would like to say and do but hold back. Be the bigger person. Don’t say something hurtful in the heat of the moment and have to be sorry for it later.

Mobile phones are the devil. They give you the illusion of having the power. Text messaging has created a world of dramas because emotions are very hard to relay in a text and it is very easy to LOSE YOUR SHIT!!

Scenario 2

You have been with your partner for some time. You feel like you do everything for him, and he has to do very little. Yet, you ask him to do something around the house… A favour. You leave for work and leave it in his more than capable hands. You get home from work, it’s not done. You start to walk around the house going crazy thinking ‘that’s all he had to do! I can’t believe I do everything, look at this, look at that! A mess! Pig!’ Then, you pick up your phone. And start typing. And typing. And then, hit send….? Or save it in your drafts, wait until you calm down a bit and then see if you really wanted to fight, over this?

So, If something really makes you angry (crazy angry) write what you want to say but DONT SEND THAT TEXT! You can vent and get it out, but is it really worth it? Momentarily you will feel better, but if the fight continues you will have to be even more spiteful the next time- how far are you willing to go?

Same applies for new relationships. Don’t be too full on, play it cool, have some fun and enjoy it while it’s new. If it develops into something long term, it will be full on soon enough. The quicker it is full on, the quicker it gets comfortable and then you are an old married couple trying to get your ‘spark’ back. Also, don’t over think things, just go with it.

Chances are that throughout you life, you are going to meet people you don’t particularly like. Whatever reasons you have or opinions you develop, keep them to yourself. Don’t try and convince someone to sway their opinion about someone else. You could bag them until you are blue in the face and try and explain why they are not worth their time, but in the end, you are just going to look like a spiteful person. If they are really as bad as you say, they will hang themselves out to dry eventually and then you can be secretly happy later when they realize you were right all along. And even if you are right, just let it go. Nobody likes a smartass.

Be modest, take compliments. Don’t get a big head; and people will continue to praise you. And don't just settle with what you have... make the most of it but it's ok to want to strive for more. People are drawn to people with ambitions and that are happy with life.

Sometimes, you just need to know when to cut your losses and walk away. Is the person really worth belittling yourself for? Is that fight really worth having? Take the diplomatic approach and Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. Look at both sides and if after walking a mile, you still want to punch them? You are a mile away and you have their shoes. Winner. Problem solved.

Be willing to compromise. Remember that if you get into someone’s face, that gives them the right to get back into yours. Be the bigger person, walk away from a fight even if you believe you are right. Appreciate all your relationships and tell the people in your life how important they are to you. Be polite to the people you dislike and remember they might not be as good at pretending as you. They will look really stupid when they are rude to you and you have been friendly to them.

And just think, really think, is it worth fighting over? Do I really need tell that person how useless they are, just because I am frustrated and angry, and make them feel like crap? Stop yelling, stop stomping around trying to prove a point, making a stand. Let it go and move on. Concentrate on the positives. Or just lock yourself in your bedroom and have a 'mental health' moment.

When it comes to relationships and people, I believe being the person who gives in first is the bigger, stronger person. Don’t fight fire with fire, hug the world instead. The world is already full of assholes. You will be spoken about just as much if people have good things to say about you instead of bad. Stand out for being a good, fair, fun person and the people you meet will want to keep you around. Smile, and the world smiles with you.

Be Switzerland in sticky situations, make positive lasting impressions and not only will the world be your oyster, but you will be successful with the most amazing people by your side…

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

9) Fate...

Many of the relationships I have had over the years have been at the hand of fate. When I was most lost, a different person at different stages in my life would lend me their hand. A gesture that I see now that was not just a hand for the moment in time in which they found me, but for the rest of my life. Now, not only am I lucky enough to have my family, but also the people that stood up and invited me into their family when mine wasn't able to be there; for reasons I can only explain in my own words, and my own perceptions. How it appeared to me at the time. My childhood and adolescent perceptions are much different then those from my being an adult.

Sometimes I wonder if things in my past were ever really that bad, or just how my adolescent mind saw them...

When things were at their worst my life constantly dragged; just a constant drone of sadness and frustration, of pain and anger. Never would I have thought that my life would turn out like this. Waking up in the morning to a feeling of contentment, instead of resentment. Of gratitude, instead of blame. And of happiness and love, instead of confusion and emptyness. Once I had a deep hole of depression, now I have euphoria and....hope.

Back then, I struggled not only with making friends and keeping them, but also relationships with my family were more than just a struggle. It was a nightmare. Not only was I fighting with someone at all times, but they were all fighting with each other. When the weren't fighting with each other, they were not talking but still trying to destroy each other with words- but just telling us instead.

I can only look back now and try to remember how it felt. I guess because life is so great now, it goes back to just being a story. Just a story- and thats how I like it. I remember how fighting with everybody in my life just seemed to be the norm. Not once, until now, did I have good relationships with almost everyone at any given time. Each family member has their own story, their own kind of battle. They got lost during their journey.... Along the road, other people came into my life and filled the missing pieces in my life.

People seem to think I am different to the normal person. I am always doing something different, looking for the next thing I can learn or do. As an adolescent, these changes were mainly because I could never find where I fit so I would move on and try my luck elsewhere. My life was played out in 6 month blocks. If things were still good at the end of 6 months, I would change what I was doing (whether it be studying, working, a relationship or acommodation) because it was all going to fall into a heap, sooner or later. Wasn't it was better that I control it, than leave it in someone elses hands and be at their disposal?
My life was dark, for four years, 8 sets of blocks.

I still have something new happening in my life, almost all of the time. The difference is, it is no longer from being unsettled. I want to build on what I have, learn new things, give myself  and my family options. I want to wish for everything and expect nothing.... then enjoy everything that we get.

I have always been driven by not being able to achieve something. If somebody told me I would fail, I would do it to prove them wrong. It made me feel powerful and in control. Eventually, I thrived for people to tell me it was impossible. Even now, there are friends in my life who just continue to set themselves up to fail. They can't seem to change the way they 'think', to find success for themselves but look on at what I am doing in life and say- 'that would never happen for me.'

It seems like everytime I have a conversation with someone I haven't spoken to in a while, they ask for the update on what is happening in my life. An "Update". What is she doing in her life, now?

I have stopped being offended by it. I am just disappointed that the people I care able can't find a way to make things happen in their lives. Am I excessive, because I am driven to succeed and achieve the things I want? Is that the difference, that I want to be successful so bad, that I find a way to get it, no matter what? I live by mottos and sayings and words to push me to make things happen. Who says it's not possible? Why don't you deserve it? At the end of the day, the only person stopping you... is you.

I am an honest person. I have some secrets and some dishonesty, because in my heart I feel that I am doing the right thing. I have amazing friends. Some that have been there from the beginning and remember the person I was when life was dark and loved me anyway. We could not talk for one of my 6 month blocks and they would still be there, still be the same- as if we had only spoke yesterday. Always happy to see me, always lend an ear, always hold my hair if I spewed. Then, I have my friends who I met after the darkness, and when I became an adult. And we had so much fun...

Time is always moving forwards though- I became an adult and soon after, a Mum. Then some more people came into my life, when I became a student and then a 'Single' Mum. They offered me love, strength and support. I figured out my priorities were- providing a good life for my baby. Giving him a secure and safe world.... Soon after, I became a homeowner.

Then we arrive at the present.  And again, more amazing people and friends. I feel like they have been there all along too, and hope to never be without them.. I have met all of these people at different stages of my life, each have given me so much- that I don't understand how I could possible be so lucky. Why me? How can I be so special? I have my family back, but still get to be blessed with you too?

This is why I am a believer. I have to believe that everthing happens for a reason... how else and why would I be given these people? I guess it just shows you to appreciate each person that comes and goes, as they all bring something to the table. Never let an opportunity pass you by. Grab the world by the balls and take everything it offers. Be a good friend, a good person and ask yourself these questions- Who are you? What do you believe in? What do you love?

And think- 'what would you do, if you knew you couldn't fail...?'

Stop time, time, stop. Let me enjoy where I am, for five minutes. Let me apprecaite it and love it. Let me keep my my son a baby for a moment longer. Let me enjoy the greatest people anyone could ever know, that I am blessed enough to have in my life, as my friends and family. Can I savour in all I have for just 5 minutes?

Maybe that was my five minutes. To put it into words, document it- put it out there for someone other than me to see, feel. So the people I love and care about it can see it and know how much they mean to me and what is possible for them.
And if you are reading this and know me, don't doubt it... I AM talking to YOU...

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

8) Just for Today

Just for today..
By Sally Meyer

Just for this morning,
I am going to smile when I see your face...
and laugh when I feel like crying.

Just for this morning,
I will let you wake up softly in your flannel p.j.'s...
and hold you until you are ready to stir.

Just for this morning,
I will let you choose what you want to wear...
and I will say how beautiful you are.

Just for this morning,
I will step over the laundry to pick you up...
and take you to the park to play.

Just for this morning,
I will leave the dishes in the sink...
and let you teach me how to put your puzzle together.

Just for this afternoon,
I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off...
and sit with you in the garden
blowing bubbles.

Just for this afternoon,
I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you
scream and whine for the ice cream truck...
and I will buy you one, if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon,
I won't worry about what you are going to be
when you grow up...
I will simply love you for the joy you bring me

Just for this afternoon,
I will let you help me make cookies...
and I wont stand over you
trying to 'fix things.'

Just for this afternoon,
I will take you to McDonald's and buy us both a 'Happy Meal'...
so you can have two toys.

Just for this evening,
I will hold you in my arms and tell you the story of how you
were born...
and how much we love you.

Just for this evening,
I will let you splash in the bathtub...
and I won't get angry when you pour water
over your sister's head.

Just for this evening,
I will let you stay up late...
while we sit on the porch swing
and count all the stars.

Just for this evening,
I will bring you glasses of water..
and snuggle beside you for hours...
and miss my favorite t.v. show.

And tonight when you are sleeping safe and warm in your bed,
I will think of the mothers and fathers
who mourn for the children they have lost.
I will remember the parents who sit by hospital beds,
watching over the little ones they love.

I will weep for those parents whose children are cold,
hungry and suffering,
and .... this evening,
when I kneel down to pray,
I will simply be grateful for all that I have..

and not ask for anything...
except just one more day.

7) Am I Marry-able?

I have never really believed in Marriage. I have never seen the significance of dedicating and saying out loud that you want to be with someone forever. I was too independent, always believed I was stronger and could be more successful on my own. The idea of marriage was like drinking a cold cup of vomit and just as vile and suffocating...

But then I found someone that I truly love...

I get up in the morning to make him breakfast so it's ready when he jumps out of the shower, I wash his clothes, make sure he has something nice to eat for lunch at work, find a way to get him the things he wants or needs, know where to find something that he has lost around the house,  thank him for the things he does and when he spends time with my boy, worry about whether he is truly happy with where life is going.... And wholly and completely love him like I've loved no other person before in my life. (apart from my son, but the love for a child is a different kind of love...)

This is paragraph about love hit home the other day because I realised that I feel IT.

"Love comes when you least expect it and when you are not looking for it. It explodes into your life, love day dreams consume your day and your thoughts, touching or coloring every part of your life and making it difficult to carry out more than routine tasks. I have experienced this "Falling in Love" kind of love. I have declared to myself that this is the one, declare that I will never take this perfect relationship for granted, my love will always be fresh for my wonderful amazing man who will always strive to please me and succeed. I have thankfully moved out of the falling stage.

Love kind of grows comfortable. It's still love, but it becomes comfortable. It grows deeper and stronger. Deeper than the love I had at the "Falling In" stage but maybe not so gasping for breath. I have seen older lovers grow into each other. They become like a matched pair. They start looking like each other and talking like each other too. Its like they have blended a bit of the other person into themselves." By Julie- Blogger

I also have stopped falling... I'm in love and loved. And yes, comfortable. And now I can only dream, of all the rest....

Then came the question- What makes you 'Marry-able?' And, is the definition of love different depending on whether you are a Man or a Woman?

Now, dont get me wrong. Marriage is not the most important thing to me. The question more relates to what qualifications as a woman, susie housewife, partner, friend and mother to make you 'Marry-able'? And is it reachable? Can a womans dream of marrying the man of her dreams and being with him for life be reached? And could he possibly want to spend the rest of HIS life with HER?

There is no question of committment in my relationship. He has shown committment and effort since the moment we met. We both fell, hard. As we head towards the one year mark and we start making decisions for our future together, I am more than happy with the direction we are heading. I think that buying properties together are a big committment and he is more than happy to move in that direction with me.

Stage one, Fall in love. Check. Stage two, make plans for the future. And then what? And in which order?

Love, Baby, Marriage House?
Love, House, Marriage, Baby?
Or just be happy where you are at and plod along for the next 10 years, just as long as you
are together ?
That's what matters, right?

I would be happy enough just to be with him. But in my heart of hearts, I'd love to be the one. It was never inportant to me before I was 'in love'. Being with him IS enough, I am so lucky to have found someone that makes me so happy. But when does the topic of Marriage stop being just a big joke? I can't say anything about anyone getting married, (which happens fairly frequently now that our friends are gradually getting engaged and planning weddings) without him raising his eyebrows and saying, "Baaaabe? You used to be cool!" Meaning, we agreed at the beginning. Marriage is for idiots.

Our opinion of marriage has most likely come from what we have grown up with and seen with our own families. We are both children of broken marriages and blended families. Vows that were taken and broken. Pieces of paper that were signed then destroyed. Dad's House, Mum's house. The competitions for best parent, the slandering- to think they were once in love?

Keeping in mind that there later has been relationships and marriages to follow that HAVE been successful... But now, am I just clutching at straws, trying to redeem the meaning of marriage? Maybe I am just a closet romantic, now that I am in love...?

I am only 22. Marriage for me is not a priority at all. I just want to know it is possible. That someone truly believes that I am the person they want to have a future with. That they, couldn't imagine being without me and don't want to be- for the rest of their life.

To hear words like these, or similar, meant just for me?

"Look, I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some time, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you're the only one for me."
Julia Roberts from Runaway Bride (Movie)

To me, committing to someone for life isn't as daunting as I once found it. I hope to never lose him, never be without him, never go to sleep and not wake up next to him. Is it really love, if he can't picture being with you for life? Is love really that different depending on whether you are male or female?

Because for the first time in my life, I feel like love could conquer all. It's not always sunshine and rainbows and times do get tough and you may not like each other very much, often. But it's worth it. I can't pinpoint at which stage in my life things became so amazing, but I know he has played a role in how perfect my life is...

I believe in happily ever after....

6) Life..

Wish for everything and expect nothing
Lynn Armstorng

Imagine all that you would do if you knew you couldn't fail..

If you're the flame, you cant be burned

They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself
Andy Worhol

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on..
Franklin Roosevelt

Tough times never last, but tough people do..
Robert H Schuller

5) I get paid in smiles...

I'm doing the most important thing I could ever do. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, but there is one little person here that loves me; just because I'm his Mum.

I get paid in Smiles...
Trish- Facebook

Monday, August 16, 2010

4) Before I was a Mum...

Before I was a mum, I never learned the words to a lullaby. I never thought about immunisations. I had never been puked on, pooped on, drooled on,chewed on, or peed on. I had complete control of my mind, my thoughts,and my life. I slept all night.I never looked into teary eyes and...cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple little grin. I never sat up for hours watching someone sleep. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew something so small could affect my life so much.I never knew that I could love someone so much before meeting them. Before I was a mum, I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside of my body. Send this to all beautiful mums you know. Nothing will happen if you don't, but it's always nice to hear that someone thinks you're a beautiful mum!♥
From Hayley on Facebook

3) Modern Day Slavery

Is loving someone different whether you are male or female? As a woman when you love someone, it changes you. You learn to fit in with their wants and needs and often put aside your own. I believe this applies whether you are talking about the loving a partner or a child.. You are consumed by them.

It is often pointed out that I only work part time only 9 hours a a week, only 2 4.5 hour shifts. Apparently I don't do much and have plenty of time to myself...But, If I have it so easy, why do I feel like my daily 'At home' shift starts at 6:45am and ends at 7:30pm when I finally have a chance to sit down? When I lay down to go to sleep, my brain keeps me awake for hours thinking about money (bills, owed money etc) my plans for the future (and what I need to to do make it happen). I make lists FOR EVERYTHING trying to sort my brain into categories to make it easier to tackle. Sometimes during the day, when my son goes to sleep, I get to sit on facebook for half an hour. Most times I take up the opportunity to catch up on cleaning, doing washing or organising something for dinner. Then I wake up to do it all over again the following day....

As my child is from a previous relationship, my partner has no responsibilities as a Father (Don't get me wrong, he assists me with him all the time and takes on much more emotionally than I expect him to... He really is a natural with being a 'father figure' and I appreciate the effort he puts in) So when it comes to 'hands on' parenting it is all my job. So I am a mother, father and parner which sometimes feels like I am a modern day slave...

But, Is it possible for somebody to want to be with you, because you have a child who needs you to do everything for him- so you may as well do it all for your partner too? Take advantage of the fact that you have to cook and clean and choose to be a modern day slave... but why not, you may as well do it for them if you are doing it anyway?

It's a violating thought. To be an independent person- then find love someone so much and change to want to be successful WITH them. Have goals, plans and a direction when you meet them- then include them in it all and hope that you can make it work and have a great life together.

What if thats not what they REALLY want? Is it similar to my not saying anything about feeling like a modern day slave? He feels he can't tell me because I have so many plans and because he loves me in his "Man" way. He wants me to still be able to have everything I want, and puts his feelings aside to not hurt me? Or am I just being a woman and REALLY overthinking things?

Every Ying has their Yang. What if he is my Yang? I am particular, sometimes bossy and a planner. He is disorganised, cruisy but a wonderful person. What if we actually compliment each other and just need to figure out a balance? Put communicating up on the top of the list of things on the plan and start talking WITH him instead of AT him? How do you communicate effectively with someone you love about something sensitive to them but  important to you, which effects the both of you, without turning it into a fight?

I think being a modern day slave can be easily confused with being used. Overall, I like providing for my family. I don't expect appreciation and gushing over everything I do for them daily. I honestly get pleasure from being able to be the person that gets to do the daily things for them, to be NEEDED in their lives... But I don't want it all to go unnoticed? And is it 'unnoticed' or 'ignored' to make me feel like I should be doing more, keeping me on my toes?

One of my earliest memories of conversations about life was with my Grandad. He told me that I just didn't have any people skills. Yes, I was good at talking to people I didn't know and able to put on a professional mask and could sell ice to eskimoes, but couldn't maintain or keep healthy relationships with the people in my everyday life. I struggled to make friends and keep them throughout most of my childhood and into my teenage years. I tried very hard to fit in but never found a place. I never understood what I did wrong or why I was always the third wheel in friendships. I seemed to always be the person people moved on from and in a way I still am. I would form friendships and relationships with people and they would lose interest before I did and wonder later, where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong? I found myself chasing these friendships trying to mend something that I couldn't understand how and when it became broken. I seem to be a flavour of the month person. People love me when they meet me, then seem to get sick of me? Why?

The hardest question is- is it the same thing with the person I love? Or is it just me overthinking things... AGAIN? By overthinking my relationships am I pushing people away? Or is it just a matter of time before the person I love is sick of me too? Am I suffocating them... all?

I am able to stop all these thoughts by changing the way I think, but feel like some of these things really are issues. I want to be heard when I ask for some help to do dishes, I want an open discussion about money and budgeting, I want to talk about thoughts and feelings...

Contrary to how the above may sound, I honestly have an amazing relationship. We have fun and can make each other laugh. We have enough interests in the same things to enjoy time together, but dislike things enough to enjoy doing some things on our own. I think we are a good team when it comes to raising my son. I have never met anyone like him, or had anyone that makes me so happy. I have never felt like this and hope to never be without this feeling...

But is fear of losing it all, what really makes me overthink? Will it be a vicious circle of overthinking whether the thoughts and feelings be positive or negative?

Am I lucky enough to be able to keep this feeling? Waking up in the morning being happy and content putting the teething problems and overthinking aside? Do I deserve it? I hope so...

Sunday, August 15, 2010

2) Speechless

How is it possible, that I am already left without words and its only my second post? Because I have the most amazing 'other person' in the world. She found two more words to describe me. Words that I don't feel I deserve, that have left me speechless... She believes that the best three words to describe me are-'Intelligent', 'Imaginative' and 'Altruistic'...

All I can say is- I wouldn't be ME, without YOU... Xo

Saturday, August 14, 2010

1) Butterflies

I am turning over a new leaf- in my attempt to learn how to touch type, I ditched the stupid exercises that are supposed to assist you with your learning and began typing my thoughts instead. I can't believe how anxious I feel about putting my thoughts out there for people to read and have an opinion on. The irony is, I have an opinion on everything.... I guess payback can be a bitch, I'm just hoping it isn't so. I am re-naming this 'blog' to 'blurt' because that's what I feel it will be.

They say every person has their 'other person'. This is most likely not your spouse, as you are will them often and need someone else to talk to about things. It may not be even your best friend. It is a person that no matter what, day or night they would listen and understand you. They know exactly what to say, when to bad mouth someone and when to just listen to you vent. They know your limit like noone else in the world and when you really can't take anymore. You can unravel in front of them, bare your soul and never have to worry about protecting yourself. You can tell them everything and anything and never be judged. They can give you diplomatic advice and never hurt your feelings. You think of them everyday, just to tell them the little things that have happened since the last time you spoke, but can go weeks without speaking and still be just as close. Some people never find one, some people have a few. I am lucky enough to have just one.

Apparently, the best way to determine in a few words who you are, is to be described by someone else. They know who you really are and won't hold back! When I asked my 'other person' how she would best describe me, she asked for a week to think about it. After a week, she asked me if one of the words could be 'intelligent'. Hearing her use that word to describe me, I immediately had to disagree. But that's not in the rules! She has still not yet found another two words to describe me. Watch this space.
In a few words, some facts from my own perception are- I am 22. I am a Mum and significant other. Overall, I am loved and appreciated. I know that I make my family proud. I am a planner. I like to have control and direction. I am passionate about the things I believe in. I am not perfect and don't try to be. I am... Me.

Overall, I am the luckiest person in the world to be who I am, where I am and who I am here with. I have made mistakes and errors, some that I would change and some that I would not. I wouldn't change a single day of my life, given the chance as it has made me who I am today. I do believe that everything that happens for a reason and if everything happened so I can be where I am today- it was all worth it.
One thing that I really have realised, is life is all about the way you 'think'. If you hate it, it's a chore. If you love it, you will breeze through it. Everyone has different masks in their closet to wear. When you wake up in the morning the choice is yours for which mask you will put on today. I have found changing the way I think, has improved relationships with everyone I have in my life. Knowing the difference with fighting OVER something and fighting FOR something. And knowing, when to put your weapons down and walk away.
I feel like I have lots of advice to give and an opinion about everything. Does this make me a know-it-all? Should I keep my thoughts and opinions learned from my own life experiences to myself or try and assist people in their own lives? I have so many ideas on the way people foresee their lives. I am a firm believer in 'thought control' and how you percieve life, determines how successful you are in that life...
Well, this is the end of my first post- hopefully soon I can find some humour and make it all more light-hearted...
Until next time,
Jesse XO