My 'Blurt' Prologue...

My story is a long one. Though, now that my life is on track- it feels like just that.
A Story. Maybe someone else's story? I don't know..
Who would have thought this would begin from trying to learn how to touch type?
This is where the idea of typing about my life, my story, on a screen begins.
Surely, by the time I have finished pouring my heart out onto a blank canvas, putting it into
words for someone other than me to understand, I should be able to type 60 words per minute and
my soul will be lighter. My head will be clearer. I will be complete...

Friday, March 30, 2012

25) Words of the heartbroken

I’m trying really hard not to cry over you because every tear is just one more reminder that I don’t know how to let you go. It’s only after someone is gone do you realize how much you miss them… My friends are always telling me to move on, to give up. But why? Why should I? They don’t see you the way that I see you. They don’t look into your eyes and see the world. Why would they understand? They can’t possibly imagine what it means to look at your best friend and see all their hopes and dreams come true. I wish for once, just once, they could walk a mile in my shoes. But they wouldn’t need to walk that far, they would just take one step and suddenly, they would take back every bit of ‘getting over you’ advice they had ever given me and realize you’re my life, you were meant for me, and that moving on or giving up is simply not an option. You never really stop loving someone. You just learn to try to live without them. I really think there’s a reason that I love him so much. Like something is telling me not to let him go. Every time I follow my heart… it leads me to him. I mean… what other explanation is there. Why is it that he is all I can think about? Why is it that no matter how upset I am… I see him and I can’t help but smile? Why is it that when he smiles at me… I get that feeling in my stomach? And even when he’d broken my heart, and hurt me as much as anyone could ever hurt me… when he left to me… and I tried to hate him… why then did I still feel those same feelings? Answer me that, and then I’ll tell you why I let him hurt me so much.  Don’t keep running back to the one person that you need to walk away from.   If I can’t have you, at least i was able to know I had you. Someday you’ll know, that I was the one for you. No one realizes the beauty of love, until you lose it. If the human body can live with food and water, then why does it feel like I can’t live without you?

24) Trying to inspire my soul


Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.

If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves – Carl Jung.

You are who you are and what you are because of what has gone into your mind. You can change who you are and what you are by changing what goes into your mind - Zig Ziglar

Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you turn your attention to other things, It comes and sits softly on your shoulder.  - Henry David Thoreau

23) Not exactly making it through the stages-

I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know where to stay. I can't keep holding on anymore, I can't make it through each day. I remember you, the person I met, And long to see him again soon, For I cannot live without you, But things are so out of tune. You are my everything, My soul, so sweet, my reason to smile, Then you stopped smiling at me And it has been like that awhile. But I remember who you are, And remember what we have been, But just don't know if I can forget, This new you that I have seen. You never promised me forever, Or said I was the one, But still I never doubted it, Until now with all you've done. And still, you are the best person I know That just seems to forget, That I am entrapped by you, And refuse to Display regret. I am strong,  but become so weak, With all the harsh words, that we speak, Screamed or silent each one like, The sharpest pain, With the bluntest knife. But still, I remember you,  I could never forget, But the person that you are today, Is not the person I met. You don't remember who you are, Or the person that you met, You only see what you want to see, The negatives surrounded by the debt. And when the words are all gone, And at last your soul is still, Don't question what is right or wrong, We'll make it through, I will.

22) Stage 1- Denial

I thought that we would make it through anything but as each day goes by I feel like you are one step further away. I never thought you I would not have you in my life. I do not want a life without you. I keep hoping it will turn out ok, but don't want to beg or be desperate.

I never thought I would ever feel like this again but multiplied by a million, that total emptiness of the person you really love not being there anymore. The confusion and heartbreak where you just cannot grasp hold of your inner strength to move into the next step of your life. I don't want to be alone. I have found the person I love and want to be with... They just don't want me.

My very essence, my soul, is the reason for my being rejected. I am consumed by this need for it to be what it was. The love I feel is more than I ever felt before...

I miss my best friend. A part of me is and will always be yours but I need it here with me. I promise you a place in my memory and will think of you fondly. For I cannot hate you, as then I would be hating myself.

You are my family, my house and cart, my protector. You carried me and I encouraged you and anything was possible when we were together.

I don't want anyone else. I don't want to be without you. Having you in my life is like breathing... Effortless, consistent and necessary to live... I love you more than life itself.

I want to be strong and independent. I want to show you why you should love me. I don't want anger and confusion to overtake the fond memories I have of you... But please don't pretend you don't care if you do. Don't show me your indifferent face, I can't take it

21) The stages of Recovery- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance and recovery

So, I woke up this morning and realised something...whatever happens, it will all turn out ok.. I cannot control what happens and what He decides, but I can choose the person that I want to be... I can't make him love me or make him want to stay but there is nothing that I would have or could have done differently but now I am jeopardizing everything I believe in by letting this happen. I refuse to be emo anymore and let it upset me. I will do anything i can to Help him, but he needs to want to be helped. I'm sorry that I have been a bit unstable lately but thanks so much for listening and supporting me regardless of the situation you are put in by doing so...
Thank you for being there for me and helping me to remember what it important... Don't ever forget how much I love and appreciate you xo