20) .... but I love him (Part 2)

I have been having a moment.

Like everyone, I often have thoughts of the negative kind but have mastered the ability to turn them off. Sometimes, my control slips a little and my thoughts and worries start to unravel before me. They continue to take control and eventually it becomes a downward spiral. I feel like a tonne of bricks is sitting on my chest and I don't feel like getting out of bed. I just want a break, a moment from it all, just some time out from my life. Everything and everyone irritates me. I feel unappreciated, over worked and unloved. I think the people around me are draining the life right from me... and think the relationships I have a falling apart and that the person I love, no longer loves me or wants me.

I wonder if its because I am such a control freak that when I lose control of my thoughts, it manages to make me feel like I have been hit by a Mack Truck carrying an oversized load of concrete barriers. Everything becomes a struggle and everything is overwhelming. For about a week, everything is EXTREME.

When I was at my worst, this was how I felt ALL THE TIME. Nowadays, it is only a momentary thing and lasts for a week at the most (thank god!) before I can't start changing the way I think and getting some control and positive energy flowing again. The hardest part is, it is often unexpected. I haven't yet figured out what triggers my 'moment'. It will be something that is outside, something random that happens that sifts the mood of the people around me, or my relationship. It always catches me off guard.

This week, my head decided he didn't love me anymore. It decided I could no longer give him what he wanted and I had ran out of things to give. He deserved better, more, because I have a child and I made him move away from his whole life. I thought he was talking to another girl, that he had lost interest in me, no longer found me attractive. Now that I am rational, I don't believe any of this is true. Yet, 5 days ago, I was making myself sick with it all.

During these times, I tend to sabotage good things. Not many things in my life have remained constant and so subconciously I believe that I have had much more success than I deserve and that things will eventually all go to shit (so to speak). So, naturally, I start to destroy the postive things around me. I think that I do this because of all the things in my life that have been out of my control. By sabotaging them myself, it is in my control. If I just let things happen and let it all be taken away from me... I would be unprepared and not able to cope. If I control it, I will get through it.

I'm fed up with myself. I can't let this cycle control me anymore. I don't want to lose the things I have, or the people I love at my hand, or anyone elses. I'm happy and I'm going to enjoy being happy. People go through rough times all the time and every reltionship has their moments.

So, I am finding myself some new quotes and sayings and new theories and mottos to live by, and giving it my all. I love him. He loves me. I am succesful and deserve a good life. I am a good person. I am still....ME! I'm only human and no stronger or better than the next person. I love my life and I'm going to grab it and hang onto it with everything I've got...

BRING IT ON!! :)

19) The plan..

I always need a plan- so the new plan is... To have no plan.

18) ...but I love him?

You. Are. Breaking. My. Fucking. Heart.

17) A Brief Rundown

It has been such a long time since I made a post. I wonder if its because I am too busy, or that I have recently been far too lazy. On the plus side, after a month of not blogging I am still touch typing!! This post has a few thoughts I've had recently and may seem to not have a start and finish, but I will elaborate at a later stage.

It's been a really weird time for me since my last post....since then, I have felt unsettled but also content, disappointed but hopeful. I have had relationship milestones, lost a loved one, surgery for my baby boy, his 3rd birthday and also a wedding... After 1 year, I have made a friend in my new town!! In one month, I have looked for new jobs, looked for new houses, looked into my future... but revisited my past too. I've also been dead broke but finally seen first hand how money buys money...

I guess no matter how hard you try to forget, there is always someone who remembers and still suffers from the demons of their past. Apparently, time heals all wounds... but do they really? People continue to suffer with the hurt they experienced at times of their lives. I've learnt to just turn it off. Change my negative thoughts as quickly as I have them. I do believe peoples actions are knee jerk reactions to how them have coped with things in the past. I really want to explore this some more...

On the 18th of September 2010, my Great Grandma passed away at 91 years old. I hit our family, hard. Although she was an elderly woman, she never seemed frail. Always independent with her sneaky quirks, we had never actually considered the possibility that she might one day pass away. Now, I can barely believe that it has happened, or how it all happened, or the timing of how it happened either. The whole event was just one big shock. A month and a bit on, I still feel her all around me, so I don't miss her that much. Of course I MISS her, but I don't feel like she is really gone and I like it that way... I will post a poem that I read at her funeral later... Love you Grandma... 12.12.1918-18.9.2010

I was reading a book they other day about prayers and beliefs and being consumed during meditation by a 'higher power'. Now, I have nothing against religion or other peoples beliefs, but I have never felt that there is anything more out there but my own thoughts and feelings. It's never made me feel like its something I need to explore. I am pretty content with what is out there....

A huge thing that I am struggling with is the fact that I have built someone I love up, promising them the world and then letting them down. I promised someone its possible that they will be able to own a house and turns out, it can’t happen for some time. I feel like I've just set him up to fail. It made me wonder, is promising a man that anything is possible if you are together…. is that the same as promising a girl that one day (if she plays her cards right) her man will marry her? Hmmmm. Watch this space.

I guess one this I realise is, I'm just so lucky to have someone that I love, that loves me in return.... at least for now...

16) My Poem

I haven't written a poem since school and decided to give it a go...

For all Time

Pass time, Pass time,

let it be,

time for him to walk through the door,

and kiss me.

Ring ring, ring ring,

drop everything and hurry,

he might need me,

to drop something to him right now

Play time, Play time,

Let me watch,

my baby tell him a story

and him listen.

Deep breaths, deep breaths,

He is a boy,

he has to leave everything he touches,

in a mess.

His time, his time,

I will carry,

his heart in my heart,

by caddying with his golf clubs.

Count days, Count days,

until we get

a day together with no time,

and just each other.

Stop time, Stop time,

let me enjoy

my heart beating quickly,

and stay in this place,

in love,

forever.