My 'Blurt' Prologue...

My story is a long one. Though, now that my life is on track- it feels like just that.
A Story. Maybe someone else's story? I don't know..
Who would have thought this would begin from trying to learn how to touch type?
This is where the idea of typing about my life, my story, on a screen begins.
Surely, by the time I have finished pouring my heart out onto a blank canvas, putting it into
words for someone other than me to understand, I should be able to type 60 words per minute and
my soul will be lighter. My head will be clearer. I will be complete...

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

20) .... but I love him (Part 2)

I have been having a moment.

Like everyone, I often have thoughts of the negative kind but have mastered the ability to turn them off. Sometimes, my control slips a little and my thoughts and worries start to unravel before me. They continue to take control and eventually it becomes a downward spiral. I feel like a tonne of bricks is sitting on my chest and I don't feel like getting out of bed. I just want a break, a moment from it all, just some time out from my life. Everything and everyone irritates me. I feel unappreciated, over worked and unloved. I think the people around me are draining the life right from me... and think the relationships I have a falling apart and that the person I love, no longer loves me or wants me.

I wonder if its because I am such a control freak that when I lose control of my thoughts, it manages to make me feel like I have been hit by a Mack Truck carrying an oversized load of concrete barriers. Everything becomes a struggle and everything is overwhelming. For about a week, everything is EXTREME.

When I was at my worst, this was how I felt ALL THE TIME. Nowadays, it is only a momentary thing and lasts for a week at the most (thank god!) before I can't start changing the way I think and getting some control and positive energy flowing again. The hardest part is, it is often unexpected. I haven't yet figured out what triggers my 'moment'. It will be something that is outside, something random that happens that sifts the mood of the people around me, or my relationship. It always catches me off guard.

This week, my head decided he didn't love me anymore. It decided I could no longer give him what he wanted and I had ran out of things to give. He deserved better, more, because I have a child and I made him move away from his whole life. I thought he was talking to another girl, that he had lost interest in me, no longer found me attractive. Now that I am rational, I don't believe any of this is true. Yet, 5 days ago, I was making myself sick with it all.

During these times, I tend to sabotage good things. Not many things in my life have remained constant and so subconciously I believe that I have had much more success than I deserve and that things will eventually all go to shit (so to speak). So, naturally, I start to destroy the postive things around me. I think that I do this because of all the things in my life that have been out of my control. By sabotaging them myself, it is in my control. If I just let things happen and let it all be taken away from me... I would be unprepared and not able to cope. If I control it, I will get through it.

I'm fed up with myself. I can't let this cycle control me anymore. I don't want to lose the things I have, or the people I love at my hand, or anyone elses. I'm happy and I'm going to enjoy being happy. People go through rough times all the time and every reltionship has their moments.

So, I am finding myself some new quotes and sayings and new theories and mottos to live by, and giving it my all. I love him. He loves me. I am succesful and deserve a good life. I am a good person. I am still....ME! I'm only human and no stronger or better than the next person. I love my life and I'm going to grab it and hang onto it with everything I've got...


1 comment:

  1. Love it!
    You go girl...your derserve every tiny bit of happiness you can hang on to xxx