My 'Blurt' Prologue...

My story is a long one. Though, now that my life is on track- it feels like just that.
A Story. Maybe someone else's story? I don't know..
Who would have thought this would begin from trying to learn how to touch type?
This is where the idea of typing about my life, my story, on a screen begins.
Surely, by the time I have finished pouring my heart out onto a blank canvas, putting it into
words for someone other than me to understand, I should be able to type 60 words per minute and
my soul will be lighter. My head will be clearer. I will be complete...

Friday, March 30, 2012

22) Stage 1- Denial

I thought that we would make it through anything but as each day goes by I feel like you are one step further away. I never thought you I would not have you in my life. I do not want a life without you. I keep hoping it will turn out ok, but don't want to beg or be desperate.

I never thought I would ever feel like this again but multiplied by a million, that total emptiness of the person you really love not being there anymore. The confusion and heartbreak where you just cannot grasp hold of your inner strength to move into the next step of your life. I don't want to be alone. I have found the person I love and want to be with... They just don't want me.

My very essence, my soul, is the reason for my being rejected. I am consumed by this need for it to be what it was. The love I feel is more than I ever felt before...

I miss my best friend. A part of me is and will always be yours but I need it here with me. I promise you a place in my memory and will think of you fondly. For I cannot hate you, as then I would be hating myself.

You are my family, my house and cart, my protector. You carried me and I encouraged you and anything was possible when we were together.

I don't want anyone else. I don't want to be without you. Having you in my life is like breathing... Effortless, consistent and necessary to live... I love you more than life itself.

I want to be strong and independent. I want to show you why you should love me. I don't want anger and confusion to overtake the fond memories I have of you... But please don't pretend you don't care if you do. Don't show me your indifferent face, I can't take it

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