My 'Blurt' Prologue...

My story is a long one. Though, now that my life is on track- it feels like just that.
A Story. Maybe someone else's story? I don't know..
Who would have thought this would begin from trying to learn how to touch type?
This is where the idea of typing about my life, my story, on a screen begins.
Surely, by the time I have finished pouring my heart out onto a blank canvas, putting it into
words for someone other than me to understand, I should be able to type 60 words per minute and
my soul will be lighter. My head will be clearer. I will be complete...

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

9) Fate...

Many of the relationships I have had over the years have been at the hand of fate. When I was most lost, a different person at different stages in my life would lend me their hand. A gesture that I see now that was not just a hand for the moment in time in which they found me, but for the rest of my life. Now, not only am I lucky enough to have my family, but also the people that stood up and invited me into their family when mine wasn't able to be there; for reasons I can only explain in my own words, and my own perceptions. How it appeared to me at the time. My childhood and adolescent perceptions are much different then those from my being an adult.

Sometimes I wonder if things in my past were ever really that bad, or just how my adolescent mind saw them...

When things were at their worst my life constantly dragged; just a constant drone of sadness and frustration, of pain and anger. Never would I have thought that my life would turn out like this. Waking up in the morning to a feeling of contentment, instead of resentment. Of gratitude, instead of blame. And of happiness and love, instead of confusion and emptyness. Once I had a deep hole of depression, now I have euphoria and....hope.

Back then, I struggled not only with making friends and keeping them, but also relationships with my family were more than just a struggle. It was a nightmare. Not only was I fighting with someone at all times, but they were all fighting with each other. When the weren't fighting with each other, they were not talking but still trying to destroy each other with words- but just telling us instead.

I can only look back now and try to remember how it felt. I guess because life is so great now, it goes back to just being a story. Just a story- and thats how I like it. I remember how fighting with everybody in my life just seemed to be the norm. Not once, until now, did I have good relationships with almost everyone at any given time. Each family member has their own story, their own kind of battle. They got lost during their journey.... Along the road, other people came into my life and filled the missing pieces in my life.

People seem to think I am different to the normal person. I am always doing something different, looking for the next thing I can learn or do. As an adolescent, these changes were mainly because I could never find where I fit so I would move on and try my luck elsewhere. My life was played out in 6 month blocks. If things were still good at the end of 6 months, I would change what I was doing (whether it be studying, working, a relationship or acommodation) because it was all going to fall into a heap, sooner or later. Wasn't it was better that I control it, than leave it in someone elses hands and be at their disposal?
My life was dark, for four years, 8 sets of blocks.

I still have something new happening in my life, almost all of the time. The difference is, it is no longer from being unsettled. I want to build on what I have, learn new things, give myself  and my family options. I want to wish for everything and expect nothing.... then enjoy everything that we get.

I have always been driven by not being able to achieve something. If somebody told me I would fail, I would do it to prove them wrong. It made me feel powerful and in control. Eventually, I thrived for people to tell me it was impossible. Even now, there are friends in my life who just continue to set themselves up to fail. They can't seem to change the way they 'think', to find success for themselves but look on at what I am doing in life and say- 'that would never happen for me.'

It seems like everytime I have a conversation with someone I haven't spoken to in a while, they ask for the update on what is happening in my life. An "Update". What is she doing in her life, now?

I have stopped being offended by it. I am just disappointed that the people I care able can't find a way to make things happen in their lives. Am I excessive, because I am driven to succeed and achieve the things I want? Is that the difference, that I want to be successful so bad, that I find a way to get it, no matter what? I live by mottos and sayings and words to push me to make things happen. Who says it's not possible? Why don't you deserve it? At the end of the day, the only person stopping you... is you.

I am an honest person. I have some secrets and some dishonesty, because in my heart I feel that I am doing the right thing. I have amazing friends. Some that have been there from the beginning and remember the person I was when life was dark and loved me anyway. We could not talk for one of my 6 month blocks and they would still be there, still be the same- as if we had only spoke yesterday. Always happy to see me, always lend an ear, always hold my hair if I spewed. Then, I have my friends who I met after the darkness, and when I became an adult. And we had so much fun...

Time is always moving forwards though- I became an adult and soon after, a Mum. Then some more people came into my life, when I became a student and then a 'Single' Mum. They offered me love, strength and support. I figured out my priorities were- providing a good life for my baby. Giving him a secure and safe world.... Soon after, I became a homeowner.

Then we arrive at the present.  And again, more amazing people and friends. I feel like they have been there all along too, and hope to never be without them.. I have met all of these people at different stages of my life, each have given me so much- that I don't understand how I could possible be so lucky. Why me? How can I be so special? I have my family back, but still get to be blessed with you too?

This is why I am a believer. I have to believe that everthing happens for a reason... how else and why would I be given these people? I guess it just shows you to appreciate each person that comes and goes, as they all bring something to the table. Never let an opportunity pass you by. Grab the world by the balls and take everything it offers. Be a good friend, a good person and ask yourself these questions- Who are you? What do you believe in? What do you love?

And think- 'what would you do, if you knew you couldn't fail...?'

Stop time, time, stop. Let me enjoy where I am, for five minutes. Let me apprecaite it and love it. Let me keep my my son a baby for a moment longer. Let me enjoy the greatest people anyone could ever know, that I am blessed enough to have in my life, as my friends and family. Can I savour in all I have for just 5 minutes?

Maybe that was my five minutes. To put it into words, document it- put it out there for someone other than me to see, feel. So the people I love and care about it can see it and know how much they mean to me and what is possible for them.
And if you are reading this and know me, don't doubt it... I AM talking to YOU...


  1. this gave me goose bumps, jesse. really, it did.

  2. You are You, and you are so good at being you.
    That's why we love you.
    Happy Birthday.

    I know its not your birthday but I couldn't help myself because it sounded like a birthday card type of message (maybe I should write for Hallmark).

    Seriously, I agree, even if I am guilty of not following your advice more often than not.

    Life does fly past, if you don't stop and drink in "the moments" they do dissapear in the hustle of the day. You don't want to look back and say "where did all those years go?" Or like me, "why did I only take photos at birthday parties and christmas?"

  3. Thanks guys:)
    You still have plenty of future to look forward to and plenty of fun times ahead..
    Get that camera out.
    P.S (I like Hallmark-y comments)