My 'Blurt' Prologue...

My story is a long one. Though, now that my life is on track- it feels like just that.
A Story. Maybe someone else's story? I don't know..
Who would have thought this would begin from trying to learn how to touch type?
This is where the idea of typing about my life, my story, on a screen begins.
Surely, by the time I have finished pouring my heart out onto a blank canvas, putting it into
words for someone other than me to understand, I should be able to type 60 words per minute and
my soul will be lighter. My head will be clearer. I will be complete...

Monday, August 16, 2010

3) Modern Day Slavery

Is loving someone different whether you are male or female? As a woman when you love someone, it changes you. You learn to fit in with their wants and needs and often put aside your own. I believe this applies whether you are talking about the loving a partner or a child.. You are consumed by them.

It is often pointed out that I only work part time only 9 hours a a week, only 2 4.5 hour shifts. Apparently I don't do much and have plenty of time to myself...But, If I have it so easy, why do I feel like my daily 'At home' shift starts at 6:45am and ends at 7:30pm when I finally have a chance to sit down? When I lay down to go to sleep, my brain keeps me awake for hours thinking about money (bills, owed money etc) my plans for the future (and what I need to to do make it happen). I make lists FOR EVERYTHING trying to sort my brain into categories to make it easier to tackle. Sometimes during the day, when my son goes to sleep, I get to sit on facebook for half an hour. Most times I take up the opportunity to catch up on cleaning, doing washing or organising something for dinner. Then I wake up to do it all over again the following day....

As my child is from a previous relationship, my partner has no responsibilities as a Father (Don't get me wrong, he assists me with him all the time and takes on much more emotionally than I expect him to... He really is a natural with being a 'father figure' and I appreciate the effort he puts in) So when it comes to 'hands on' parenting it is all my job. So I am a mother, father and parner which sometimes feels like I am a modern day slave...

But, Is it possible for somebody to want to be with you, because you have a child who needs you to do everything for him- so you may as well do it all for your partner too? Take advantage of the fact that you have to cook and clean and choose to be a modern day slave... but why not, you may as well do it for them if you are doing it anyway?

It's a violating thought. To be an independent person- then find love someone so much and change to want to be successful WITH them. Have goals, plans and a direction when you meet them- then include them in it all and hope that you can make it work and have a great life together.

What if thats not what they REALLY want? Is it similar to my not saying anything about feeling like a modern day slave? He feels he can't tell me because I have so many plans and because he loves me in his "Man" way. He wants me to still be able to have everything I want, and puts his feelings aside to not hurt me? Or am I just being a woman and REALLY overthinking things?

Every Ying has their Yang. What if he is my Yang? I am particular, sometimes bossy and a planner. He is disorganised, cruisy but a wonderful person. What if we actually compliment each other and just need to figure out a balance? Put communicating up on the top of the list of things on the plan and start talking WITH him instead of AT him? How do you communicate effectively with someone you love about something sensitive to them but  important to you, which effects the both of you, without turning it into a fight?

I think being a modern day slave can be easily confused with being used. Overall, I like providing for my family. I don't expect appreciation and gushing over everything I do for them daily. I honestly get pleasure from being able to be the person that gets to do the daily things for them, to be NEEDED in their lives... But I don't want it all to go unnoticed? And is it 'unnoticed' or 'ignored' to make me feel like I should be doing more, keeping me on my toes?

One of my earliest memories of conversations about life was with my Grandad. He told me that I just didn't have any people skills. Yes, I was good at talking to people I didn't know and able to put on a professional mask and could sell ice to eskimoes, but couldn't maintain or keep healthy relationships with the people in my everyday life. I struggled to make friends and keep them throughout most of my childhood and into my teenage years. I tried very hard to fit in but never found a place. I never understood what I did wrong or why I was always the third wheel in friendships. I seemed to always be the person people moved on from and in a way I still am. I would form friendships and relationships with people and they would lose interest before I did and wonder later, where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong? I found myself chasing these friendships trying to mend something that I couldn't understand how and when it became broken. I seem to be a flavour of the month person. People love me when they meet me, then seem to get sick of me? Why?

The hardest question is- is it the same thing with the person I love? Or is it just me overthinking things... AGAIN? By overthinking my relationships am I pushing people away? Or is it just a matter of time before the person I love is sick of me too? Am I suffocating them... all?

I am able to stop all these thoughts by changing the way I think, but feel like some of these things really are issues. I want to be heard when I ask for some help to do dishes, I want an open discussion about money and budgeting, I want to talk about thoughts and feelings...

Contrary to how the above may sound, I honestly have an amazing relationship. We have fun and can make each other laugh. We have enough interests in the same things to enjoy time together, but dislike things enough to enjoy doing some things on our own. I think we are a good team when it comes to raising my son. I have never met anyone like him, or had anyone that makes me so happy. I have never felt like this and hope to never be without this feeling...

But is fear of losing it all, what really makes me overthink? Will it be a vicious circle of overthinking whether the thoughts and feelings be positive or negative?

Am I lucky enough to be able to keep this feeling? Waking up in the morning being happy and content putting the teething problems and overthinking aside? Do I deserve it? I hope so...


  1. Yes you deserve it. Absolutely.

    You deserve to be confident, live without fear, be secure in love, to enjoy the fruits of your labour, be respected, be valued and be heard.

    We all do. There's the challenge.

  2. Ok, so I am posting a little late, But I know how you feel about being the modern day slave. I too do enjoy doing things for the other half, but I think sometimes you do need to know that what you are doing out of love or whatever, is not going unnoticed. I find it hard to believe that you could be a third wheel, or that anyone could lose interest in you. You are an extremely engaging person that has a lot to give those around you, whether it is advice, a laugh or someone that will just listen. I think everyone has a series of friends through their lives, but I think that is because as we get older and change, so does what we need from our friends, or the people that we want around us. (It sounds horrible when I say it like that :S) Don't change they way you think, for fear of changing the person you are, which is someone that is extremely intelligent, strong and engaging.... cos that is the person that has got you where you are today! A lot of people admire you, especially me!! xoxo Cass