12) Precious Moments

I don't think I have ever said any of this out loud. It's hard for me to admit that I remember being pregnant- but only because I hated it every minute of it. The impending arrival of my baby and then realisation that I was going to be a Mum, always felt so surreal. Like it wasn't happening to me. I was negative, I shuddered when I had to say it old loud. I was pregnant, how disgusting. I hated what it meant, that I would never be 'just me' again.

The decision to have a baby- I felt I never made one. It was too hard a decision and I couldn't make it myself. I put my life into someone else's hands. Perhaps, I never felt the decision was mine; as it impacted more than just me. I'm ashamed to say that the best decision that has ever been made in my life, was not my own.


I was supposed to be alone, I had plans. I was 18 and I was going live out of a suitcase and travel the world. I had a future, without any roots. For so many years I had never had roots, houses but never a home. How could I bring someone into a world to try and survive and succeed when I didn't even have a place in life- of my own?

I will never get those first moments back. I will never be pregnant with my first child again. I will never cradle my first born as a brand new baby in my arms. He is now growing everyday and is going to continue to grow, and grow. I will never feel my swollen belly get bigger each day, it will never be beautiful. I will never sing him a song, because I know he is listening, loving my voice. I will never read him a story, because he is learning even from inside me. I will never let someone put their hands on my huge belly and share the feeing and get excited to feel him kick. I wasted these moments with my negativity- and I will never get them back.

I wish I had known then, how it feels now..

How did those memories become so surreal? Being pregnant, birthing a baby, watching him grow. I have lots of pictures but I barely remember the moments, it's such a blur. I have some memories of the early days, but I can't remember how I felt when I first held my baby boy in my arms, I can't remember what his first words were, or where we were when he took his first steps. How can I remember so many bad things that went on in my life, but not remember these significant moments as a Mum? Is it possible that my 'memory bank' is full- of mostly bad memories? That there is no room now, to store and remenisce on the best parts of my life?

So many women would love nothing more than to be pregnant and I wasted mine. They will never get to hold their baby, born sleeping. Never be able to take their baby home, born unhealthy but still so perfect. My heart breaks, when I think of all the precious moments that I had the opportunity to have, that I wasted. I have taken advantage of being given a healthy a baby boy- all 9 pounds 10 and a half ounces of him- born with 10 fingers and 10 toes- so perfect and beautiful. I am lucky enough to be able to have him wake me up before 7 am... everyday. And for that, I am so grateful. I get to watch my baby grow.

So, I am hitting the rewind button and erasing all the bad memories that are taking up the room for all the beautiful memories to come. He is my life... and I will never waste another single, precious moment again.

Take the time to write things down, document them. Don't rely on the memories just being there in years to come. They fade so quickly. Enjoy every single precious second in time you have with them, they grow so fast, the moments don't last. It's easy to get too busy, and then suddenly (like me), you are planning your baby's third birthday. Don't just use your camera for the special occasions, all moments are special and one day you may only have these captured moments left.
I can only hope that he knew how much he meant to me, seconds after he was born. That getting up to do night feeds was never a chore. That when I yell at him, it's only because I would never want anything to happen to him or ever would be able to cope if I had to live without him. I can only hope he knows that I am so proud, when he goes to the toilet on his own or when I climbs up a ladder without my help. That I am sorry I didn't love him before I saw him, when he was only small inside me. I would never have taken those moments for granted had I known that I would be blessed with such an amazing, beautiful boy and know that if I could go back and change it, I would.

Sometimes, I feel like we are still just kids playing grown up and we could be heading back to school at any minute. We are just imagining what our lives will be like when we grow up, imagine getting married, having children of our own. I guess now though, the happiness is what makes it surreal. Sitting and think and feeling so happy I could burst. And looking back at how far we have all come, knowing all the possibilites we have for the future. I could never have conjured such an amazing life or such amazing experiences in my imagination. Never, in a millions years, could I have thought I would be so lucky.

Without wishing my life away, I can see myself and beautiful friends sitting around no longer gossiping about our lives...In the blink of an eye, we will be talking about our children that have families of their own...Planning for their weddings, preparing for their entrance into the journey of parenthood. The greatest gift we can give someone is to show them to have faith in life and love... What is life without love? The love of another person, the love of a child. No amount of money, could ever compare to the feeling..

Did I plan to fall pregnant and have a baby? No, but that doesn't mean he was an accident. He didn't accidently come along, he was supposed to be mine. He was supposed to change my life. He was given to me so I could see all that was possible, everything that was achievable and made me determined to fill his life with happiness, possibilities and love... He gave me a purpose. I was always supposed to be a Mum. Every other success in my life, is and will continue to be a bonus only made possible by his arrival into the world. My biggest success, will always be being blessed with having him and him being mine.

Sometimes you forget these things, because being a Mum is hard. Its 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. No sick days, holidays or leave. Money makes some times hard, but I get paid in smiles which is worth more than anything. And when times are really tough, I have so many places to turn. I have so many beautiful Mum's around me, completely forsaking themselves to be completely dedicated to the lives of their children. They are the strongest people I know. They remind me, that you are forever a Mum- whether your baby is in your arms, grown up or in heaven... and we are the luckiest people in the world.