My 'Blurt' Prologue...

My story is a long one. Though, now that my life is on track- it feels like just that.
A Story. Maybe someone else's story? I don't know..
Who would have thought this would begin from trying to learn how to touch type?
This is where the idea of typing about my life, my story, on a screen begins.
Surely, by the time I have finished pouring my heart out onto a blank canvas, putting it into
words for someone other than me to understand, I should be able to type 60 words per minute and
my soul will be lighter. My head will be clearer. I will be complete...

Friday, August 20, 2010

12) Precious Moments

I don't think I have ever said any of this out loud. It's hard for me to admit that I remember being pregnant- but only because I hated it every minute of it. The impending arrival of my baby and then realisation that I was going to be a Mum, always felt so surreal. Like it wasn't happening to me. I was negative, I shuddered when I had to say it old loud. I was pregnant, how disgusting. I hated what it meant, that I would never be 'just me' again.

The decision to have a baby- I felt I never made one. It was too hard a decision and I couldn't make it myself. I put my life into someone else's hands. Perhaps, I never felt the decision was mine; as it impacted more than just me. I'm ashamed to say that the best decision that has ever been made in my life, was not my own.

I was supposed to be alone, I had plans. I was 18 and I was going live out of a suitcase and travel the world. I had a future, without any roots. For so many years I had never had roots, houses but never a home. How could I bring someone into a world to try and survive and succeed when I didn't even have a place in life- of my own?

I will never get those first moments back. I will never be pregnant with my first child again. I will never cradle my first born as a brand new baby in my arms. He is now growing everyday and is going to continue to grow, and grow. I will never feel my swollen belly get bigger each day, it will never be beautiful. I will never sing him a song, because I know he is listening, loving my voice. I will never read him a story, because he is learning even from inside me. I will never let someone put their hands on my huge belly and share the feeing and get excited to feel him kick. I wasted these moments with my negativity- and I will never get them back.

I wish I had known then, how it feels now..

How did those memories become so surreal? Being pregnant, birthing a baby, watching him grow. I have lots of pictures but I barely remember the moments, it's such a blur. I have some memories of the early days, but I can't remember how I felt when I first held my baby boy in my arms, I can't remember what his first words were, or where we were when he took his first steps. How can I remember so many bad things that went on in my life, but not remember these significant moments as a Mum? Is it possible that my 'memory bank' is full- of mostly bad memories? That there is no room now, to store and remenisce on the best parts of my life?

So many women would love nothing more than to be pregnant and I wasted mine. They will never get to hold their baby, born sleeping. Never be able to take their baby home, born unhealthy but still so perfect. My heart breaks, when I think of all the precious moments that I had the opportunity to have, that I wasted. I have taken advantage of being given a healthy a baby boy- all 9 pounds 10 and a half ounces of him- born with 10 fingers and 10 toes- so perfect and beautiful. I am lucky enough to be able to have him wake me up before 7 am... everyday. And for that, I am so grateful. I get to watch my baby grow.

So, I am hitting the rewind button and erasing all the bad memories that are taking up the room for all the beautiful memories to come. He is my life... and I will never waste another single, precious moment again.

Take the time to write things down, document them. Don't rely on the memories just being there in years to come. They fade so quickly. Enjoy every single precious second in time you have with them, they grow so fast, the moments don't last. It's easy to get too busy, and then suddenly (like me), you are planning your baby's third birthday. Don't just use your camera for the special occasions, all moments are special and one day you may only have these captured moments left.
I can only hope that he knew how much he meant to me, seconds after he was born. That getting up to do night feeds was never a chore. That when I yell at him, it's only because I would never want anything to happen to him or ever would be able to cope if I had to live without him. I can only hope he knows that I am so proud, when he goes to the toilet on his own or when I climbs up a ladder without my help. That I am sorry I didn't love him before I saw him, when he was only small inside me. I would never have taken those moments for granted had I known that I would be blessed with such an amazing, beautiful boy and know that if I could go back and change it, I would.

Sometimes, I feel like we are still just kids playing grown up and we could be heading back to school at any minute. We are just imagining what our lives will be like when we grow up, imagine getting married, having children of our own. I guess now though, the happiness is what makes it surreal. Sitting and think and feeling so happy I could burst. And looking back at how far we have all come, knowing all the possibilites we have for the future. I could never have conjured such an amazing life or such amazing experiences in my imagination. Never, in a millions years, could I have thought I would be so lucky.

Without wishing my life away, I can see myself and beautiful friends sitting around no longer gossiping about our lives...In the blink of an eye, we will be talking about our children that have families of their own...Planning for their weddings, preparing for their entrance into the journey of parenthood. The greatest gift we can give someone is to show them to have faith in life and love... What is life without love? The love of another person, the love of a child. No amount of money, could ever compare to the feeling..

Did I plan to fall pregnant and have a baby? No, but that doesn't mean he was an accident. He didn't accidently come along, he was supposed to be mine. He was supposed to change my life. He was given to me so I could see all that was possible, everything that was achievable and made me determined to fill his life with happiness, possibilities and love... He gave me a purpose. I was always supposed to be a Mum. Every other success in my life, is and will continue to be a bonus only made possible by his arrival into the world. My biggest success, will always be being blessed with having him and him being mine.

Sometimes you forget these things, because being a Mum is hard. Its 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. No sick days, holidays or leave. Money makes some times hard, but I get paid in smiles which is worth more than anything. And when times are really tough, I have so many places to turn. I have so many beautiful Mum's around me, completely forsaking themselves to be completely dedicated to the lives of their children. They are the strongest people I know. They remind me, that you are forever a Mum- whether your baby is in your arms, grown up or in heaven... and we are the luckiest people in the world.


  1. Let me try this again...the first comment i left would have been alot more emotionally charged as i had tears streeming down my face.

    Jesse i have to tell you that you are the most inspiring, beautiful hearted, and truly magically woman i have ever known...and what a pleasure it is for me to be a part of your life.

    I have always truly valued our friendship and im so happy that we have stayed in touch!

    I think you are so brave for putting down in words how you felt about your pregnancy and such honest words at that! I too hated my pregnancy and i didnt love my baby right from the begining either and our pregnancy was planned so dont beat yourself up over it!
    It wasnt untill that i heald my daughter in my arms that i relkised just how special she was and how blessed i was to be her mother. I really feel now that i was meant to be a mum, that is my purpose in life.

    Reading you blog just made me want to hold my little girl tight and never let her go!! I will dedicate my life to make sure she i happy and safe..i will do everything i can to avoid her the hrut and the pain that we have experienced in our life.

    And yes babe i do believe it is erase the "bad" memories and start making room for the new fabulous memeries waiting to be made. Unfortualty life is to short, Mark showed us that and there still isnt a day that go by that i dont think about him and miss him. I am so lucky not to have Andrew and Pippa in my life, but Mark still will always hold a peice of me.

    We are brave stong woman who arent playing adults..we are here, we have arrived and we deserve every moment with are lucky enough to experience.

    I think it is fantastic that you have started this blogging and i expect one day to see your life turned into a book and sitting at the store window on a best sellers list..thats how much i believe in you and your writting.

    I love you so much and im so happy that your life is finally going the way you deserve and just made yourself get worked hard and life has finally given you everything you could ask for.

    I know there was so much more stuff in my first comment but i cant remember everything i wrote...your the best Jesse and keep writing....i cant wait to read the next blog.


  2. This made me cry with both happiness and sadness and whilst no doubt my pregnancy hormones exacerbated my response- even if they were absent this would still have truly touched me.

    I don't wanna be all soppy- but you are an inspiration to me Jesse XXX

  3. Thank you so much. I'm sorry I keep making everyone cry!! Hug those beautiful baby's- squeeze them as often as you can! Soon the hugs are only available when you bribe them for one!! Love you guys xo

  4. I don't know what to say now that you're friends have said everything I was thinking and feeling. you are inspirational, and you should be extremely proud of all that you have achieved. You are extremely brave for being able to write down your truths. Those raw and very real feelings that most people could never admit... especially out loud. Being adopted, I can not imagine what my birth mother felt during her pregnancy, I only know that although she did not feel able enough to keep me she loved me enough to want a better life for me with someone else. So I don't think how you felt during you're pregnancy defines who you are as a person or as a mum, and it certainly does not attest to how much you love your child. I think doing what you can to give them the best life they could possibly have is the proof of how much you love them.
    You annoy me Jesse, how can someone younger than me (i know not by much) offer so much for me to learn off? You are wise beyond your years and the world will be better off because of that, i have no doubt. xoxo Cass

  5. Such a thoughtful and honest post. Good on you for putting yourself on the record. Yes I agree, you are inspiring. I also had motherhood thrust upon me and I slowly came to terms with that. As hard as life gets, my children have always been the most important reason to live life. And yes there will be a day that you will look back and think, how did they grow up so fast, how can my children all be taller than me? My advice, take lots of pictures. Oh thats right, you already do!

    I am all caught up in my reading now, when is the next post coming?