49) Loving me, loving you

I let people take me for granted constantly, never actually standing up for what I want or saying... No, I deserve better than this. I let people over step the boundaries and trust too easily. Even if that person has hurt and betrayed me in the past, I forgive and forget the moment they want to come into my life. I try not to hang onto too much resentment or hatred because I believe it destroys your soul...

 I guess I need to find that balance throughout my life to be the person I want to be but not set myself up for disappointment at the same time. I am always grasping that bit of hope that things will always turn out ok. I want to be a believer in life, luck and destiny. I want to make positive decisions and choices. At the end of it all, I want to know I have loved and lived life as genuinely and passionately as I could and impacted on as many people as I could too... I want to be remembered as someone who would do anything for you, you could go to for anything, that loved unconditionally and helped people to believe in themselves and believe in what was out there for them...

I layed in bed last night thinking... I could live forever as it is, just me and my boy. He could be my best friend and child too... I could give him all of my time and energy instead of having to juggle that by being in a relationship with someone else as well. I would be happy enough just having my little man... He is the most important thing in my life...

But then I thought... I will always be a Mum, but my son probably only needs me for another 15 years and then on and off throughout his life. What will that mean for me? I deserve to have someone love me and have a partner and best friend in someone else. It isn't fair to invest all of that responsibility onto my son either.

For me, I choose to be with the person I love, as well as be a Mum. That person has already made my life better for all this time and I want that for the rest of my life. I choose him, for me. I deserve to be loved by him and share my life with him, and then be everything I need to be for everyone else. He is the ying to my yang. He completes me.

I just hope he feels the same about me and realises it... Soon.